i never could figure out the reason i was so eager to villainize everyone. when my mother missed minuscule details about my essays of anecdotes as a kid, her hundreds of hugs and numerous notes of affirmation seemed to vanish from my mind, and i labeled her as apathetic and negligent. when my first boyfriend casually mentioned that it contented him to see me smile, the fact that he loved me and longed for my bliss seemed irrelevant, and i labeled him as an unrealistic idealist who ceased to care for me when i wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. when someone wouldn't speak to me, they weren't shy, but standoffish. when someone comforted me after my failures, they weren't understanding, but patronizing. i suppose that for once, i wanted someone else to screw up. i wanted all the self directed rage festered from years of my ineptness and inadequacy to be valid in exploding somewhere else, and i wanted to know i wasn't the only one who was so fundamentally flawed.
