The Three CEOs

pt28. For Her

"We die a little every day and by degrees we're reborn into different men, older men in the same clothes, with the same scars." - Mark Lawrence, King of Thorns

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Silas's POV

I never left the hospital.

Why would I know when I know she's in there, still in pain, still hurt? But I can't help the abandonment  that seeped across my chest when she said she needed space.

I know what you're thinking. I know what anyone would think. That I was once again, being a selfish fuck. I don't why the fuck it triggered me for her to want some space, but I hated it. I don't want her to want space from me. I want her to be consumed by me like I am of her.

Why doesn't she get that?

Fuck.

I am so fucked up, I can't even respect someone when they want space from me. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, but I know I will never find anyone like her. I will never find anyone that makes me feel like this; like I am falling into a never-ending abyss of happiness. It's like a mix of excitement and fear and I never want it to stop.

I don't know what she's thinking. I know she probably wants to leave me. After my reaction last night, who wouldn't. I'm too broken to be fixed and too selfish to be with anyone who will give a single fuck about me.

My brothers adapted to me because we're brothers. They had to. But besides them, and besides my mom, I've never had anyone else to care about. Frankly, I didn't want to. I was too busy for any of that sappy shit; too busy to meet another person's expectations.

But, Caden... She just sprung up on me; blind-sighted me. Out of nowhere, this girl, this woman, who's already been through shit of her own, had more strength in her pinky toe than I had in my whole fucking body.

She endured whatever the shit her brother put her through, and by that, I can safely assume her parents or any other family isn't in the picture. And I didn't make anything fucking easier for her.

Rephrasing that, I ripped and scratched and clawed the strings of her life that were barely hanging on by a thread while she was trying to sew them back together.

I can't do this.

I can't be with her this like this; I can't be this broken. I can guarantee she was trying not to cry in front of me to be strong for me. For me. When she's in the fucking hospital. What kind of fucked up shit is that?

I can't be this broken; she doesn't need anymore broken shit in her life. I want to be better for her. I need to be. I just don't fucking know how.

But I will find out. I will find out and I will come back changed, and fixed. Or, at least, better than I am now. I don't want to be consumed by the self-hatred I feel right now. I don't want guilt eating me up alive for my past trauma and mistakes.

All I want is to fix myself so that I can see a future with her. A good one. She doesn't need anymore toxicity in her life, and I refuse to be the one to contaminate the happiness she deserves.

I am going to be better. I will be better.

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