The Carrero Heart - The Journey (Book 2 of Heart Trilogy)

Chapter 7

Wrapped in a fluffy robe after a hot shower, I stare at my clean face in the bathroom mirror; it's tear-stained and pale. I downed some pain killers before I got in here, in a bid to combat the beginning of a hangover and feel completely wiped out. I don't even know if he is still in my room, or if he has gone to see Natasha, and I am not sure how I feel either way. I'm crazily disconnected inside, that none of this is real and no closer to a decision at all.

I still love him; I can't deny that. Last night was incredibly stupid and most likely alcohol-fueled. The during was not exactly how I thought it would be, but then, part of me knows it's because I no longer trust him like I once did. He hurt me in ways that really screwed my head up and last night proved I no longer felt secure to let him have access to every part of me.

A combination of emotional turmoil, anger, drunkenness and the first time I ever attempted sex with anyone. It's no wonder my head went into meltdown, and my lip is sore this morning from the way I bit it. I still can't remember where I went or what I did, but I am guessing I probably freaked out. Like I used to do years ago, and he calmed me down, the way he always did. I don't even know how to broach what we did last night. He's probably wondering what the point is in chasing a girl who can't even have sex with him.

Not that I would blame him.

Pulling myself together, I head out into my room, pulling my robe tight and preparing myself for the empty space that will probably await me. Even I know he wouldn't just leave her sitting over the street indefinitely, especially while I spent thirty minutes in the bathroom avoiding him to get my head out of my ass. He's too considerate at times, too caring about her, even though they are no longer together.

I want him, yet I don't. I'm terrified of letting him back in to hurt me, especially with her still hanging around, but I miss him like crazy and I know I still need him. With him gone there's the hope of one day never feeling anything again, but I know I will probably never find anyone else who gets me the way he always did, the way he does. I'm so confused about what I want. This isn't how it was supposed to be, and I don't exactly feel sure that he even really means any of it anyway. I've lost faith in him and it's bumped my self-esteem into submission, leaving me feeling insecure and torn. Not sure why I don't believe him, only that maybe I am scared, and all of this will fall around my head as it did before. Afraid to hope.

I wander out, looking down at my robe as I tie it, sighing at the silence of my room and realizing he's no longer at the window or even anywhere in the space in front of me. I turn to face my wardrobe and jump with fright at him laid out on my bed, watching me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He rises to a sitting position, looking exhausted and not the usual pulled together Arrick that I know. He's still in the same clothes, rumpled and unshaven so it's clear he never left the room while I took an age in there. For him to show these many signs of tiredness, means it must be bad and I feel guilty for a second.

"I thought you would have gone?" I try to keep the pain out of my voice, but my words came out hoarse and shaky. Walking away from him towards the unit across my room where I keep underwear, in a bid to get away from him and hide the fact that a shower hasn't helped me figure anything out at all.

"Everything I want is here." He says quietly. I pause, ears picking up yet still afraid to tell him that maybe I want him too. That maybe I want to see if this can work. Somehow admitting any of it is opening myself up to him fucking me over again and I am so not ready to do that.

"Natasha must be pretty lonesome by now?" I carry on emptily, not sure if I am trying to start a fight or still push him away instead of an answer. He sighs and slides off the bed to his feet to walk towards me, my body stiffening as I anticipate his getting closer. Tensing before his touch gets to me as I know it will only weaken me more.