The Carrero Heart - The Journey (Book 2 of Heart Trilogy)

Chapter 26

I pick up my bag and wander across the street to collect my shoes, looking up at my apartment with cold emptiness. I'm numb, feet aching, tears streaming down my face and wander slowly into the building, letting myself in and getting up to my floor via the stairs. It's deathly silent, around two am or thereabouts and I try not to make too much noise that will disturb my neighbors.

I only sat on the cold sidewalk for a minute, before self-preservation kicked in, my numbness, made me move and walk inside. I can't stop sobbing, but I feel dead inside. I don't think I can handle this pain if I sit and ponder it, so I have decided to walk, anywhere, anyplace, until my legs fall off, so that I do not sit here and cry over his leaving me.

Again.

When I get into my apartment, I throw my bag and coat and shoes aside, find sneakers and a hoody and pull them over the top of my dress, tuck my hair behind my ears and head back out. I don't want to be here surrounded by everything that reminds me of him; the unicorns he bought me lying everywhere, the memories of every part of this place he has inhabited or touched, or even the fact one of his jerseys are hanging on the handle of my bedroom door.

I pull my phone from my bag and turn it onto silent mode, not that he'll call but it's part of how I'm feeling. I ponder leaving it behind, but he ingrained into every part of me for so long that I should always have it with me, in case I need help, and I take it, despite myself.

I don't want pings from my social media or anything to infiltrate my head right now. I want to walk and cry myself out, so I will come back and sleep and try to forget all of this. I don't know what I'm going to say to him when I see him again, if he ever sees me again. I don't even know if this was a fight or a breakup anymore; it's all such a mess in my head and I can't think straight.

He seemed like he was closing a door on me, emotionally, physically. I'm not sure how I come back from that anymore, especially when I don't know if I can ever trust him the way I want to. Knowing she was in Miami has hurt me irreversibly.

He left me, again. I'm so heartbroken and mad, and yet empty.

I know I over-reacted and acted crazy; jealousy and insecurity spiking, knowing he fueled it by keeping the fact she came to Miami from me. It still hurt to think he would do that, how he couldn't understand why this would upset me.

I have every reason to feel insecure when it comes to Natasha, he has no clue what it's like to feel this way or how much it screws you up inside. I know I just acted like an idiot and more so when that stupid bitch Miranda started on me. But he has to see his blame in the final eruption of everything I have been holding inside of me.

I'm done with drinking; I always make an idiot of myself and I get way too volatile and emotional. It's great until something sparks us off and then we are completely wrong for each other. We can go either way; either lust crazed, all over each other, crazily in love or at each other's throats and hurting one another stupidly.

I get outside and make my way down the steps. Tears making my face ache and my head hurt. I want to get myself together and not feel anything; maybe if I sober up, I will be able to calm the chaos and right now, I just want to walk. The streets will be quiet now and the air will do me good, help the alcohol work its way out of my system for a while.

***

It's been an hour or two, I'm not even sure anymore; the sky has lost the darkness and we are moving into dull grey light. I'm freezing, my nose is numb, legs like Jell-O from the amount of walking I've done in the last hours. Shivering and decide I maybe should head back to my apartment to heat up, maybe think about what I am going to do if this is really it for us. I guess it must be nearing four or maybe even five am and it's dumb for me to keep walking the streets all night like some sad homeless nomad.