Dear Bangtan

✨LETTER 3✨

Dear Bangtan,

It might sound wrong, but you were the reason why I feel into a much depressive phase but you also were the reason I got out of fit again. I mean, I may list reasons here, that seem out of any connection but in the end it was YOU, Bangtan, BTS.

I only got to know you all at the end of 2017 but listening to that one song my sister showed me back then was enough to not forget about the voices and the sound of this one song.

However, I discovered you way earlier, right before "Fire" dropped, here, on Wattpad. I was searching for stories to read and found that one story with a million views and a shiny and bright cover. I dived right into it, got to know all the different people in there and was asking myself: Who are these seven dudes with the weird names?

Honestly, nowadays I can't pinpoint why I said this but well... I heard some of your songs but didn't follow you on any Social Media simply because I was too scared. Yes, I was scared. The moment I even mentioned Kpop anywhere, in my small school, in my small town or in my small circle of friends they sent you judgementful looks so in the end I forgot about this really nice band again but turned my sister into a fan.

In 2017 when my sister finally convinced my parents to get an album everything started and suddenly my parents had to deal with not only one but two Fans. We were proud to say we belong to the A.R.M.Y .

Right after becoming a fan the Love Yourself Tour was announced and let me tell you: at the same moment I was at my moms hair dresser shop and I screamed so loud she got startled and let her scissors slip. Nothing happened though! I was so happy. We even got tickets! And then, summer came...

When a relative died, I worked at a car factory and had a lot of time to think about my life, everything beyond that, the heat in our country got worse, close to 40°C each day and in the factory I worked at 50°C. The same day I had my worst breakdown was the time Epiphany dropped. When I heard, "I'm the one I should love" I realized that I have nothing I can love about myself and that life doesn't make sense for me.
I cried, I didn't eat, I tried my best to hide all those feelings from my parents and sister so nobody would suspect a thing but whenever I saw great things happening I cried even more.

Then, around a month later I found myself writing again. Writing about different scenarios, fanficitons and after a little while I thought I could upload them. They were happy stories, of course, because after all I saw all of this as some sort of therapy.

Through a super surprising coincidence people read my stories, commented on them even and I found friends. Friends that helped me through all of my mess unintentionally. I listened to more of your songs, searched the lyrics, read them and cried a lot, oh I cried so much in 2018, but I also saw I am worth everything. I am me and if I am different it's still okay because it would be boring if we all would be the same.

I also finally could find the difference between the friends that used me and those who were genuine friends to me. I could finally cut those off that just made me sad all over again.
I started to become curious of the language, korean, so I decided to learn it myself. Until this day I can't say I ever made any progress, but at least I tried my best. But through that I found a group of friends from all over the world, all of them Fans of you seven young men. Whenever I tried to be myself and thought again that I shouldn't act like that, shouldn't be like that, they assured me, it's okay to be myself. It was okay to act the way I want. I would've never met those amazing people if I didn't decide to listen to your songs.

Then the concert day came. Oh that was about to be a week. I turned 18. Yeay finally I am an adult. Hah. The next day we drove to Berlin and I was anxious. I knew one song would be performed there that I didn't want to listen to. By that time, I still haven't had listened to Epiphany once. I was too scared to fall back in my previous state all over again. But hearing this song live, listening to all your voices was amazing. I felt like I healed all over again. I felt like I could finally end this episode of my life when listening to Epiphany and I think I don't have to mention that I love the song, eh? Anyway, this day will be never forgotten.
The next day, we met so many fans. Strangers hugged me, just because I was a fan and I felt welcomed and happy all the time. Random people told me I am amazing the way I am and after getting told all of this all the time I eventually believed it.

After that week, school started again and I already felt a change within myself. I was gaining more popularity for my works on Wattpad too and found even more friends so life went on like this.
Since then, and its been almost 4 years now, not much has changed in my life. I mean, I met even more people and I find myself reading fanfictions just because I need comfort. But with all the changes I made when I turned 18, I got finally happy.

I changed my university three times already, so what? Life goes on. It doesn't matter.
I lost a handful of friends, so what? I finally found those who really support me in all my decisions.

I found two, no, four handful of the greatest people the universe has probably to offer and I found that I indeed can Love Myself the way I am.
Finally this year, I got the chance to participate on the BTS-Community Profile on Wattpad and I couldn't be happier. Right now I work with the greatest people I know and could ever imagine to work with.

I found my happiness in you, Bangtan, too. Nowadays, when I am stressed or in a bad mood I find myself looking up videos about you. Random videos about you being happy, singing, dancing, rapping but even crying.
Thinking of all of this it made me realize, maybe I changed a lot?
I don't feel panic in myself anymore, when I talkt o strangers, when I have to hold a presentation. Because I learned, if its what excites me its okay. I don't feel anxious anymore because of my weight. I don't hide my laugh anymore because my teeth are not perfect. No I'm laughing with my whole body. I know these are small things but even small things can change a whole personality, right?
Just recently, or maybe already a month or two ago, Namjoon did an Vlive. And just recently I found a new ... motivational sentence. "We all wanna die, but not today. Not Today."
I don't know what tomorrow brings but I know that I won't discover it if I give up today. But I can keep going because:
"You showed me, I have reasons, I should Love Myself."

So let me cut this letter short:

Dear Bangtan,
thank you for being you. Thank you for helping me through my so far toughest days in my life and showed me my worth, even without knowing about it. I wish you all the best and that you find your own happiness too. After all, thats what you deserve, for helping millions of people.

Thank you for everything so far.
Sincerely, Lor