Winter in Paris

12 | Twelve

PHOEBE HAYES

I WONDER IF HUMANS ever think the same thing at the same time. A sort of connection that pulls people together. Some bond over things and other times the bond severs and you're left with nothing.

Will that happen if you fall for someone you shouldn't? Most likely. But the joy in falling is knowing there is someone waiting to catch you.

Until they aren't.

I grab my bag and keys off the table and rush out of the house and down the main corridor. I would never run in the halls but some circumstances call for it. Who am I kidding? I never follow those rules. Until I almost face plant on the ground, I'll continue to ignore them.

I push open the doors to the indoor pool and slip off my clothes and shoes by the benches. The school has an indoor heated pool that I usually use more in the winter than in the summer because there are less people. And the less people that see me swimming the better.

It's not because I'm bad at it, but the last time I went swimming and people were watching me I almost drowned. I hate the attention, and it makes me self conscious about all of the movements I make, which ultimately leads to my downfall.

At this point it's like a domino effect. I see someone watching my every move and I freak out. Then I get yelled at for not paying attention.

"Third place Phoebe? You could have done better." My mother shakes her head at me in disappointment.

I'm a disappointment to her.

"Oh Mila, you did so great out there." She hugs my sister so tight that I think she might fall apart. If I'm being honest, I wish she would.

She could at least try to hide the fact that she dislikes me. No, hates me.

Why can't I at least get the fake 'I'm proud of you.' I don't get it. I turn around to see my dad grabbing my towel off the bench and handing it to me.

"You did good kiddo, keep up the good work and next time I know you'll do better." He smiles down at me, ruffling my hair.

"Yeah maybe," I mumble to myself while looking down at the stupid ribbon I got. It pales in comparison to the gold trophy that Mila got for being first place.

I might sound crazy, but I would push her in that goddamn pool just to see if she'll sink or swim. Maybe then she'll make a fool of herself rather than me.

I hate that she gets all the attention.

All the love.

I want it.

Why can't I have it?

What did I do to deserve this. Is it my punishment for what I did?

A voice in the back of my head keeps telling me that I deserve this. That it'll show me just how much she is missing out on because of me.

Maybe if I just stop fighting to ignore it then I'll make peace with myself. I just want it all to go away.

The guilt. Pain. Everything.

It should have been me. Not her. I would do anything just to see her again. Even if it means giving up the one thing I'm supposed to value the most.

Life.

A splash echoes through the room when I submerge myself under the cool water. It's supposed to be warm but my body goes frigid under the water. Maybe I'll find something under here that'll tell me what my next move should be.