Winter in Paris

36 | Thirty-six

ELIJAH COHEN

I FUCKED UP REALLY bad. It was my idea to go through with this in the first place but I don't know. . .seeing her cry didn't give me as much joy as I hoped it would. I mean, executing a plan is completely different than actually doing it.

Had I thought she'd be okay? No, but I wanted my revenge. I didn't fully understand what happened with her and Gracie but I tried. I tried so hard but I just couldn't be. It seemed like an accident but in that moment it didn't matter that she said it was, all that mattered was she took Gracie from me.

And I knew that everyone compared her and Gracie. She was constantly in the shadow of her, so all I had to say were the right words to break her. But was it worth it? God, you're so much like Gracie. Six words was all it took for her to just. . .shatter.

Gracie was my best friend but even then, I knew that Phoebe would always be her favourite. I would always be second just like she is to me. Gracie was everything to me, and as an eleven year old, I couldn't comprehend why it happened.

At some point I think I developed a crush on Gracie but she was oblivious and rightfully so because she was so. . .important to everyone. Anything she said or did was praised upon and I, however, was nobody. Not even my classmates knew who I was.

Thinking back on it now, this plan was a stupid idea but I wanted to see just how gullible she was to fall for me. It's almost laughable how easy it was, she liked my hard demeanour and how silent I was all the time and I followed along with her plan for her sister because I didn't care.

I said that I wanted to help but I truly didn't give a fuck but I will admit that waking up to her sitting beside me satisfied the dull ache in my heart because if one thing was true, I felt alone. She smiled and laughed at me but all I could think was of the ways I could hurt her.

I'm a terrible person and I know it. If Gracie saw what I did to Phoebe, she would be so disappointed in me. My parents, what would they think? My sister is far too young for this stuff but I know she would hate me.

God, what have I done?

I dated her because in a way, she reminded me of Gracie and her personality, always bubbly and everything. But that wasn't the only reason, I did it because I thought it would make my life better. To see someone more hurt than I was when I found out. I know it wasn't my place but. . .I just couldn't fucking help myself.

I think the lines that blur between love and hate have collided. I was supposed to hate her, and I did for so long. The moment I saw her, I knew it was her. I cared for her when we were younger thinking that somehow, she would get hurt right then and there and I would stop.

She didn't, she was nice and I helped her in more ways than one. I was too young to understand anything but now, I have no one but myself to blame.

She was my favourite person, but even then, I liked fucking with her mind more than I liked being with her.

At some point in this game of mine, I started falling for her, in the way she smiled, laughed and even looked at me. It was all too real so I avoided the feeling and pushed them deep down. This led to where I am now but I think back to everything we did and had.

It would have been so good but we were never promised for tomorrow.

Y'know what's even worse? I didn't win the art exhibition. Though, they did give me a prize for my effort and because they thought my art was still good. They just picked someone better.

I told her she was safe, that I wouldn't break her heart and I wouldn't let her go but I did just that because if there was anything I knew about falling for someone is, promises are just empty lies. You can't tell whether the person who's promising you something is actually being serious or if they're lying right to your face.