Winter in Paris

25 | Twenty-five

PHOEBE HAYES

LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS FAIR, is it? Sometimes things go wrong for you and other days you feel on top of the world. I mean, that's how you're supposed to feel when you do something right in your life? You reward yourself and then realize that you still have so much to do.

It's like doing good on a test or finally completing a long project that you spent hours on. I, however, haven't done that in a while. It doesn't feel like a reward when I'm constantly pushing myself to be better, to do better. Am I doing it for myself or to prove my parents wrong? I don't know the answer, and frankly, I don't want to find out.

That's exactly why ignorance is bliss. I get to act like I don't know the answer to that question when it pops into my mind, all while still living my life like how I do all the time.

Though, the next time my parents call me and I'm forced to pick up the phone, I will most likely be bragging about my success in school and do I care? No, I don't. I want them to know just how much they underestimated me. That's the beauty of it and until then, I can live my life in somewhat peace.

It's like I'm making a promise to myself—though, I don't believe in promises. Well, not necessarily. I feel like all promises do for you is give you false hope that you can trust someone. We all know that the only person you can trust in this world is yourself.

Even then, trusting yourself is hard. I don't feel like myself when I'm alone. Does that make sense? I hope it does. I want to feel like I'm living instead of simply existing. There's a difference.

When I go out, I want to smile freely and feel like myself. I want the same for when I'm alone with my thoughts or just by myself. Is that so much to ask for? I don't want to go outside after being alone for so long and wonder if the way I'm walking or the things I'm wearing will make people stare at me.

I can almost feel their eyes on me. Staring at me as if I'm embarrassing myself to no end. This feeling of anxiousness doesn't go away. I will admit that yes, some days are better than most but on the off chance that I'm not okay, I have to wait it out.

Stay in my dorm for as long as I can so I can get this feeling out of me. I want it gone. I want it all gone. Why do I constantly feel like I'm embarrassing myself in public, even if no one is watching? I still feel their eyes on me, but are they actually staring or is it all in my head?

The feeling of embarrassment is based on what I think of myself though. Nobody could be looking at me and I would still not know what to do with myself. It all depends on what I say and do. That's the only way I'll be able to find my comfort zone.

I think I've found mine but the question is, do they think the same as I do? That's my biggest fear that I'm not yet ready to face.

Pushing open the doors, I walk into the newsroom and smile at Jared. I feel bad for not being here all the time but then again, I do make up the most hours here, so it won't matter that much if I miss a few days or so.

Turning my head, I notice Audrey typing on her computer. I don't want to startle her so I go up and tap her lightly on the shoulder. She looks up at me and beams with a heart-warming smile.

I swear this girl is the sweetest person on earth.

I give her a smile and sign to her, How are you today? Audrey has been deaf since she was a child. I think it was some kind of accident but either way, I tried my best to pick up some sign language so I could still talk with her.

She really is nice and I wanted to be able to be her friend without her having to worry about anything. She told me awhile back that her hearing aids broke so I decided why not? It can't hurt to learn something new, can it?