Winter in Paris

28 | Twenty-eight

ELIJAH COHEN

I'M SO FUCKING SCREWED. Yes, I'm finally admitting it to myself. For the longest time I've tried to act like it didn't bother me but it did. Everything pisses me off, everyone bothers me and I hate it.

I hate not knowing what I'm doing with myself and how to fix the problems that I get myself into in the first place.

It's like I want this to happen to me. I just head first into a situation that I know I can't get out of but I still do it. That's why I said yes when she asked me to help her. I wanted to. Not for my amusement but because I care. I've been waiting so long for someone to tell me that I should stay away and yet, the opposite happened.

I'm drawn to her. Everything she does and says just makes me want to see her everyday for the rest of my life. Jeez, you would think I'm some love sick man but I'm not.

Am I?

That's one thing I can't figure out. What I really need is for someone to tell me whether I should tell her how I feel or just continue acting like nothing happened.

Every day that I spend with her just pushes me further down this hole that I don't think I can get out of. God, she kissed me once and all I want to do is ask her to do it again, and again, and again.

I never want it to stop and that's a problem for me. The question is, does she feel the same way I do? I was the one who told her that I didn't want to be friends. I didn't want her to think I was making a move on her so I distanced myself.

She makes me happy. She's probably the only reason that I smile so often. This is bad, I know it. I knew it was bad the moment I started thinking about what my future would be like with her. I want her. Just her.

You would think she would feel the same way about me but with the way things are going, it's most likely she won't want to see me any more and I don't know if I can take it. I've gotten so used to seeing her almost every day that it feels weird to not have that.

She considers us friends, so, instead, I'm going to continue being her friend even if I want more. I've always wanted more. Even before she knew it, I was falling in too deep. Every time she smiled at me, or laughed at something I said, my chest ached and something deep inside me didn't want to admit that I enjoy her company.

Everything just happened so fast that I barely got a chance to collect my thoughts and figure out what my next steps will be.

I don't want to lose her friendship by fucking everything up with feelings. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that friendship means more. I can't bear the thought of not seeing her.

Rubbing my eyes, I snap out of my thoughts. They always seem to drift off and I can't take it anymore. It feels like I'm daydreaming about things that don't matter. And even worse, I hate thinking about the future. The here and now is what I want to think of.

I slip on my black slacks and button up my white shirt. Today is the day of the art exhibition and to say I'm scared; I'm really fucking scared. To have everyone see my art and judge it is a huge deal. And considering that art is probably the only thing that keeps me calm, I can't afford to fuck this up.

My parents said that they wanted to come but they weren't sure. I get it though, work is important and I can't really ask for anything more because they provide for me and my sister which is the most I can say for myself. Some people don't have what I have. I know that.

I grab my phone and wallet before slipping on my suit jacket. Should I go and see if she's ready? No, I shouldn't. But what if she wants to see me. She doesn't.