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Catherine - Catherine of Aragon Anne - Anne Boleyn Jane - Jane Seymour Anna - Anna of Cleves Kitty - Katherine Howard Cathy - Catherine Parr
"Jane I can't find my shoes!" "Anna you just had them! Anne what happened to you?" "Me and Connor smoked some weed at the rehearsal dinner, you noticed?" "Yeah, your eyes are still red." "That's because I couldn't sleep."
"I swear to god if Catherine brings Topher and he starts talking about his stupid monkey drawings again I'm gonna punch him." Anne said, zipping up the back of Anna's dress. "Oh yeah, he showed me all his NFTs and I had to pretend to care to be nice." Jane said. "Jane, my dress is too loose." "Okay Kitty, let me try and fix it."
Catherine entered the room. "So, is Topher with you?" Anne asked. "Yeah." "Damnit Catherine!" "Fuck! My zipper just broke!" "Someone help Catherine, Cathy's calling me." Jane said.
"Your car broke down?" "Yeah, I know. I called someone but I'm gonna be late anyway." "Alright Cathy, the bridesmaids are ready so I'll see you soon." "Thanks Jane, bye."
*groom suite*
"So why were we invited?" Nick said. "We haven't been friends since you abandoned me in kindergarten." "You're still not over that? You told me I had to choose between you or Evan to be friends with because you didn't like him. Look I just needed more groomsmen, that's why I invited you and Joshua. And I was a groomsman in both you twos' weddings."
"Oh god, is that Topher?" Connor said. "Yeah he's engaged to one to the bridesmaids. Look just try to not to beat his ass again." "Okay, but if he tries anything I have no guarantees I won't ruin this wedding."
*bridal suite*
"So he only proposed after dating her for 3 months?" Anne asked. "Yeah, they met on Tinder too. Didn't expect it from Cathy." "Anne, you and Oscar met at my wedding and got married after 2 months of knowing each other." Jane said. "Yeah, but it doesn't seem like Cathy does it?" "I guess you're right." 20 minutes later Cathy arrived. "Alright. Let's get this wedding started."
*ceremony*
As soon as Jared's little cousin started her way down the aisle, she dumped her basket of petals on the ground and sat down. Cathy walked down the aisle. "Can you believe that 3 months ago, Catherine was so lonely and single and wanted to be married so bad?" The officiant started. "And now look at her, marrying a man she met the next day." Everyone chuckled.
"Catherine and Jared, marriage is a sacred tradition..... hold on I don't really know where I'm going with this. Want to just say your vows?" "Sure." Cathy said.
"I Jared, take you, Catherine, to be my lawfully wedded wife....." He paused. "Did he forget his vows?" Joshua said. "Probably." Nick said. Jared remembered some of his vows and finished them. "Okay Cathy, you're turn." "I, Catherine, take you, Jared, to be my lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, to love and to cherish, until death do us part."
"Do you, Catherine Parr, take Jared Kleinman to be your husband?" "I do." "Do you, Jared Kleinman, take Catherine Parr to be your wife?" "I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride."
*reception*
Once the first dance ended, the DJ turned on Cotton Eye Joe. "I'm here what did I miss?" Jared's mom asked. "The entire ceremony." Alana was doing cartwheels, Kitty was doing the worm, Evan, Catherine, and Zoe were doing /e dance, Jared and Anna were break dancing, Anne was laying on the floor shaking her ass, Jane was doing ballerina spins, and Connor attempted to do a backflip. Topher was aggressively grinding with 2 of Jared's cousins. 2 of Jared's little cousins were doing Fortnite dances.
"Alright, it's time for speeches!" The DJ handed Evan the mic. "You're up first." "Okay. So I'm the best man, me and Jared met in kindergarten because his mom forced him to invite me to a sleepover." "You know that's actually true." Jared said. "Nick dared me to go home during truth or dare and Joshua started crying because he didn't want to hang out with me and had to be picked up. That was the first time he said we were friends but I don't know if he meant it or not. So any-" "Okay times up." The DJ took the mic. "Can I finish?" "No."
"Your turn." Cathy stood up. "So I didn't really prepare a speech but I don't think anyone did. Me and Jared actually met years before we reconnected on Tinder. We were in Cinderella together in 6th grade. I was Cinderella, he was Tree #3." "I remember that play." Evan said. "Yeah, we were trees too." Connor said.
"Then we were in Alice in Wonderland too. I was the Queen of Hearts and you were a rabbit." "At least you three got actually parts in that play, I was a doorknob." Zoe said. "At least you actually got cast." Alana said. "Times up." The DJ took the mic from Cathy.
He handed it to Jane. "Your turn." "For those of you who don't know me, I'm Jane, the maid of honor. Me and Cathy have been friends since we both had solos in Come To Jesus-" "Oh I have the video!" Cathy's mother jumped up. "Not now Maud. Anyway, I remember how you used to have a crush on my brother Thomas in middle school, glad you're over that." "Time's up. Anyway that's all for speeches everyone." He continued the music.
Once Connor got his food and sat down, several older relatives came and sat down at his table. "Did you know they're putting 5G in McDonald's chheseburgers?" One of them said. "I think I read that on Facebook Margaret. Did you hear about that young man?" "I don't know I'm high as fuck right now." "But they also put dihydrogen monoxide in KFC chicken." A man said. "didn't hear about that. What's dihydrogen monoxide?" "Water." Connor said. "It's fucking water."
"Oh hey Zoe, long time no see." Topher said. "Who's the baby?" "August, he's my son." "So why won't you take me back? That striped shirt loser can talk to other women but I can't?" "Evan doesn't talk to other women." "Then how do you explain that?" He pointed to Jane talking to a caterer, who very vaguely looked like Evan.
"That's not Evan, that doesn't even look like Evan." "Then where is he?" Evan was standing right next to Zoe. "Right here." Meanwhile, Connor walked back over. "TOPHER!" Catherine screamed.
"You told me you changed and that you'd never cheat on me!" "I-I did-" "Well look who it is! Topher Harvey!" "Hannah, what the hell are you doing here?" "This is my cousins wedding, you got me pregnant when you were still with that Zoe slut-" "You have some nerve calling me that, you were sleeping with Topher when you knew he was with me!"
"Wait...." Catherine said. "So you're his ex wife?" She asked Zoe. "Yeah, he cheated on me with 7 different women." "Well actually 8, but, who's counting?" "I'm about to beat your ass." Connor said. "Try it." Connor punched Topher, and the fight started. "This man is so fucking stupid." Jared said. "Shut the fuck up 4 eyes!" Jared joined in on the fight.
"You dumb skanks can have him anyway! You were both stupid enough to get played by him!" Catherine grabbed Hannah by her hair and slammed her face into the table, and a fight broke out between them, Zoe joined in, Anne and Anna got added to the fight trying to break it up. The DJ stopped the music.
"No Hannah, I won't pay child support! My friend Timmy payed his child support, and now he'd ugly and broke! I don't want even know my son's name!" "You're already ugly and broke just pay your child support!" Evan said, and Topher punched him.
Shortly after, the police arrived. "You can have Zoe you fucking beta!" Topher shouted at Evan, before spitting on him. "And he was weed!" "Shut up you fucking snitch!" Connor said. "You're one to talk! You know my mom wanted a restraining order on you, but she didn't because Thrine likes you!" "Fuck Thrine! Just get the restraining order, I don't want to have to see any of you ever again!" "Oh fuck off!"
"Hey officer do you know Bofa?" Jared said. "Bofa? Is that even a real name?" "Bofa deez nuts-" Jared got tased. "If I have to arrest this guy or that Murphy guy 1 more time in quitting."
