"Good afternoon everyone. From this place here, we take ourselves out of the usual routines of daily living to witness a unique moment in the lives of Kyle Stevens and Zoe Murphy. Today they join their lives in the union of marriage."
"To all their guests, they are happy to share this moment with you. They have known most of you for many years. You watched them grow up, you went to school with them, or you worked with them. Because you are the ones who have supported them and known them so well. It is only fitting that you are the ones to share this once-in-a-lifetime moment with them, well maybe not for Zoe."
"Kyle, Zoe loves that that you blend in so comfortably with her family." "No he doesn't." "Shut up Connor!" Kyle shouted. "Please refrain from shouting out during the service Kyle. She sees in you a funny, kind, and sweet man. She loves that you think she is funny and that you always find a way to compliment her."
"She loves that you always want to be close to her. You remember details of the stories she tells. You want to be part of her family and circle of friends. You help her around the house." "He doesn't actually." Zoe said. "Oh, well most importantly, you are so close that even when she is at her worst, you have never made her feel like you want anything but to be closer to her."
"Zoe, Kyle loves you that you last so long in bed. He loves your brain, your smile, and your beauty. He appreciates that you are 'low maintenance.'" Kyle laughed. "He loves your texts. He loves your cooking. He loves your kisses. You both look to a shared future that includes raising a happy & healthy family. That future also includes a richly lived life together. Going out to restaurants, hanging out with family-" "I have a pizza for Brandon."
Everyone was silent and just awkwardly sitting there. "You ordered a fucking pizza?" Kyle said. "Yeah I did." Brandon paid for the pizza, and the pizza delivery guy walked away, everyone staring at him. "Now if we can continue, Kyle, say your vows." "I, Kyle, take you, Zoe, to be my wife. I will share my life with yours, and build our dreams together. Support you through times of trouble, and rejoice with you in times of happiness. I promise to give you respect, love and loyalty. This commitment is made in love, kept in faith, lived in hope, and made new every day of our lives."
"I, Zoe, take you, Kyle, to be my husband. I will share my life with yours, and build our dreams together. Support you through times of trouble, and rejoice with you in times of happiness. I promise to give you respect, love and loyalty. This commitment is made in love, kept in faith, lived in hope, and made new every day of our lives."
"Do you take this man to be your husband?" "I do." "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" "I do." And so now by the power vested in me by it is my honor and delight to declare you husband and wife. You may seal this declaration with a kiss."
*reception*
"Thank god the ceremony's over. Kyle used an entire can of Axe body spray and if I had to stand near him any longer I would've thrown up." Connor said. "When do we get to eat?" Jared asked him. "I think we're about to." Kyle was on his phone, completely ignoring Zoe, who was just sitting there in silence. The DJ got on the mic. "It's time for the first dance."
Kyle didn't look up from his phone as they walked to the dance floor. The DJ put on the Kidz Bop version of Thinking Out Loud. "What the hell? Why is it Kidz Bop?" "I must've downloaded the wrong version of the song." "Fine, let's just do this dance." Kyle hadn't looked up from his phone, and had it over Zoe's shoulder the entire dance. It was time for dinner once all 3 dances finished up.
The caterers came out with the food. Rhonda pulled one of them aside. "I'll pay you 60 dollars to spill that spaghetti on her and make it look like an accident." "Sure, the bride?" "Yes the bride." "Okay, deal." He made it over to the head table. "Oops!" He yelled as he poured spaghetti on her lap. "What the hell? I know you did that on purpose!" "Sorry." He just walked away. "Get back here!" "Calm down, he said it was an accident." Rhonda said.
"We're about to do speeches, someone go find Alana and Krista." Victor said. "I'll look for them." Kyle's aunt said. "What am I gonna do about my dress?" "KRISTA! ALANA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?" Alana and Krista awkwardly walked out of the bathroom stall, lipstick completely smudged.
"My god, what happened to your makeup?" Rhonda said. "Um..." "Just go fix it so we can do speeches." "Okay okay mom." "Well, it's the end of your freedom now big guy." Victor started his speech, bringing up Kyle's exes, making jokes about marriage being terrible, and about how much he didn't like Zoe. "Hey you, catch!" He tried to throw the mic to Cynthia, and it hit the floor and screeched instead.
"Thank you. That wasn't necessary. So for those of you who don't know me, I'm the bride's mother. So I remember when Zoe and Kyle met." She continued her speech, and Rhonda disappeared from the reception hall for the next 3 speeches. It was Connor's turn when she came back. "So I wanna say congratulations to Zoe and... uh.. Alan, no, Greg, wait that's not it, Joshua, no, that was the first husband, Gabe, no, that was the second husband, Topher, definitely not him.." Connor was now just whispering names to himself, trying to remember Kyle's name, unaware the mic was picking by everything up.
"Kyle. It's Kyle." "Right, Kyle. Yeah, sorry, she's had a lot of exes and there's nothing special to remember about you." "Excuse me?!" "Well, that's pretty much at it. I'm not good at this whole speeches thing." He put the mic back and sat back down. Rhonda went up. "So sorry I was gone. I had to grab something." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pregnancy test.
"Zoe, I believe this is yours?" "Where did you get that?" "I went in your hotel room last night and found it in the trash can. So when you were planning on telling everyone you got yourself knocked up you-" Zoe took off one of her heels and threw it in Rhonda's face. "You little bitch!" She dove over the head table and grabbed Zoe.
Zoe punched her back, and Kyle finally looked up from his phone and tried to break up the fight, leaving it unlocked on the head table. He continued to receive texts. "Who is Jessica?" Kaitlyn said. "Kyle are you cheating on Zoe?" "Shut up Kaitlyn!" "He did what?" "Connor please be reasonable and don't-" "No mom!"
Connor ignored Cynthia and started fighting Kyle. "He doesn't listen." Zoe and Rhonda were finally dragged off each other. Zoe threw her drink in Kyle's face. "Fuck you, you crazy bitch!" "Crazy bitch huh?! You've spent our entire wedding texting your sidechick! You know what? Fuck you, I'm leaving!"
