Jazz Me Up

Chapter 19: Past Regrets

Charles' POV:
The moment I opened the door to reveal Mary standing there, begging desperately for my help as the tears threatened to spill down her pale cheeks, I should've known I still cared for her.. although not in the same lovesick way that I used to. Things were different now, and we both knew that.

No, Madeline and Rose were the only things in life that mattered to me now. But even still, my heart ached for Mary, and I was willing to do whatever I could to help her. But I still felt helpless.

"Charles?" Madeline asked suddenly. "Darling.. is everything alright? Are you having second thoughts?"

I sighed heavily. It broke my heart to know that by allowing Mary to seek refuge in our home, I'd also caused Madeline to doubt my eternal devotion to her.

"I feel so damn stupid every time I think.." I muttered. "Maybe things would've been different if I had been a better man. Maybe she wouldn't have turned to gambling, if only I'd been there for her like a good husband should've been."

"Charles.. darling, you know you can't blame yourself for what happened," she whispered. "You were both young and in love.. but not everyone is cut out for marriage, and unfortunately you two had to find that out the hard way.."

"But still.. maybe if I'd been a better man.. a better husband, perhaps she wouldn't have turned to gambling," I muttered. "It's all my fault."

The memories suddenly came flooding back, to the night everything fell apart.. the night before she left me. And I didn't go after her, I just let her walk out of my life forever. I felt like such a fool.

Flashback... December 1917
The drumming sounds of a midnight rain filled my ears as the sound of glass shattering and angered screaming came from the small kitchen.

I knew it was my fault.. I knew I was the reason she was so angry, screaming about how I'd been nothing but a bad husband. Perhaps that's why every evening found her at some swanky casino in downtown Manhattan, gambling away every penny she had.

And when she wasn't out gambling, she'd be at home, drinking herself blind as the stench of old liquor filled the house.

I suppose nothing had truly been the same for her since losing her brother in the war a few months ago.. she needed a shoulder to cry on, and I knew that, but between the late night gigs and taking care of my elderly parents, I was barely ever home these days.

And so she turned to poison and sin.

Broken and half empty bottles of gin and whiskey littered the floor, making the kitchen even more of a mess than it already was. But I couldn't be mad at her, at least not for a problem I'd caused.

It was all my fault.

"Mary.." I whispered, still being careful not to come to close just in case things got physical, as they often did when she'd been drinking.

To say I suffered more than my fair share of angry blows at her drunken expense would've been an understatement.. perhaps even the understatement of the century.

But even so, my heart still ached for her, wanting nothing more than to hold her in my arms.. to tell her that everything would be alright, and that we'd find a way to work this out somehow, but we both knew that was nearly impossible.. especially now.

"I'm leaving, Charles.." she muttered. "I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry."

Just seeing the pain in her eyes finally made it all sink in. My marriage was over, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

What if you didn't want closure? And it wasn't really over? Do you wonder like I do?

"Well, I guess if that's what you really want.. then I guess I can't stop you," I said. "There's nothing I could say to change your mind. Goodbye Mary."

End of flashback..

Madeline's POV:
I watched with heartache as the tears flowed freely from his once chocolate brown eyes, which were now tired and bloodshot.. no doubt due to the obvious lack of sleep.

"I feel so damn stupid every time that I wonder," he muttered, burying his face in his hands as he began to shrink away from me. "I just can't help but wonder how different things would've been between us.. if only I'd taken the time to really listen to her."

I sighed heavily, taking his hand in mine and intertwining our fingers.. the same way he did with me when I was upset.

"Charles.. you know you can't keep blaming yourself for this," I whispered. "It's in the past now, meaning you can't change it.. no matter how hard you try."

"I know, I know. I know that, I just.. I just wish.."

"You wish you could've done things differently," I finished. "You wish there was some way for you to make things right."

He nodded. "Exactly."

"Then if you want my advice, go talk to her.. take time to sit down and clear the air with her. It's the only way for you to gain closure," I whispered. "That might make you feel better."

He nodded slowly, standing and walking out into the parlor. "Thank you, Madeline," he whispered. "You always know exactly what to say."

I smiled softly. "You're welcome, my love. Just know that I'll always be here for you whenever you need me."