Izumi in the Other Side of her World

CHAPTER 5 - MS. MATSURI MIYAZAWA; MY SAVIOR

   November 9th. I cried a bit last night because of my stupid embarrassing faint back in Ginza. It felt like somewhat of a huge regret in me. It stormed hard on my mind like a headache, shall realize what I shouldn't have did while traveling in Japan. That has hit and stuck to me big time. I was starting to cry in it's lightest. But it wasn't even the worst part I felt. I decide to check out from the hotel because I'm now getting so much shorter with my money. When I thought of looking at my Japanese balance, the numbers turned to me. It looks very low. It has been hugely spent. I'm soon becoming broke because I was taken out that living in another country on my own for a month. Could've felt like the worst decision I must've ever made. I thought it was going to be cool wanting to live here. But I was wrong. It's so difficult living in a mysterious new world like this. So knowing that my money has fallen very short now, I cry so much out of tears because it just feels so difficult, and very expensive. For the past few days, I've tried to look for an apartment in Japan. But knowing that too was very difficult for me as a foreigner, I just felt like I couldn't. I couldn't talk my way in because I felt like I'm all by myself. I couldn't know how to live in Tokyo ever. I am afraid that I was going to get ripped off from the real estate agency. I could take any apartment that I could afford. It's just that, maybe they won't afford me. In a point, I still don't know how to afford an apartment in Tokyo. It's like I didn't know but I stupidly killed myself. So that's why I decide to move to an Internet café in Kabukicho. I think it would feel dangerous, but I don't know what else to do besides it. I have no choice. And honestly, staying there did feel progressive, and very uncomfortable. At least I have a cheap access to food, drinks, WiFi, and computers. But living there was very uncomfortable at first. It was at least cheaper to stay here. A lot of distractions with a small space. When I stayed here for the first few minutes, I was still crying so much, and hard. My tears flow water from a waterfall, so my entire face went wet. My nose felt very droopy, and I don't want to distract everyone, so I couldn't cry, but I sob instead. Still calling for help, but want to seem I'm not trying to. And still gathering the thoughts that I felt very discriminated and looked at being judged. Throughout the past few days of a screwed up Japan experience, I hit myself from every mistake or slight I've ever made. I couldn't eat nothing from the vending machines because I was still very sad and overthinking in my head. So many problems filled there, just inside. I text Alexa, Jill, and my parents deeply today in how I feel today. It must've felt very important if they could read and respond. But they can hear me from my words. I know they couldn't do anything much to help me. But they can do at least one thing that could help me. Encourage me to just move on strong, and seek hope and faith that I will survive this personally. I don't know how, but it's interesting as it sounds I hope. I will keep it up anyway, I promise to them. My dad does insist on giving me an extra money to help me. But as hot potato goes, I insist in telling him: "It's okay. You don't have to do that, I just hope I will be okay." I don't know how he will do it though. But I would hope I could receive it. Online most likely. I'll just let him anyways because I'm in rock bottom. And I don't know how I'm going to live. I have texted them each day that I'm free to do so. They didn't feel that important, like each in everyday you text someone. I want to have an alter ego because I feel very judged here in Japan, for being a foreigner. I have made up a new Japanese name for myself when I look through the internet of Japanese girls names. I fit together... Ema Izumi.

CHAPTER 5 – MS. MATSURI MIYAZAWA; MY SAVIOR

November 10th morning. I was still in my lowest. But when I felt like I lost it all, Ms. Miyazawa; I still remember her well. Because she was very nice. But I still have this thought that... it's not true. My mind is relaxed, but still sane with more crazy thoughts. Later, I look back at my selfies with Ms. Miyazawa. The one from Halloween, and the one from Miyashita Park. I remembered thinking: "I want to remember her." And I think I did so.