I couldn't find any strength to reply on my uncle's message. It felt like I was suddenly drained, I lost my appetite and now that kicking feeling appeared. Para akong binuhusan ng tubig tipong may nakalimutan akong mahalagang bagay. Uncle Esteban reached out again, after running away from him. I gulped the water on my mug to calm my heart that is beating so fast. Shutting my eyes off to clear my mind, to think of something else to divert my attention. How can I forget my mother's death anniversary?
Now they want to talk to me again. Anong mukha ang maihaharap ko kung malalaman nilang sa pagbukod ko ay ang muling pagsaya ng buhay ko? Magagalit ba sila? Do they still think ill about me? Shaking my head in disbelief I laugh. Are they going to blame for real? It felt like a whole bump of rock was thrown at my weak sand castle. Now, crumpled and unable to think what to do next.
Nilinis ko na lamang ang lamesa pagkuwanay dumiretso sa kwarto binalot ko ang sarili sa makapal na kumot habang nakatulala sa kisame. Ano nang gagawin ko ngayon? A sudden urge to call Simon is my initial thought but I hesitated baka busy siya o kaya nagpapahinga.. I couldn't think of any reason how to lessen the weight of this pain. Paulit-ulit akong nagpabaling-baling sa kutson sinusubukang idaan nalang sa tulog ang lahat ngunit hindi umuubra.
“Ma...” Bitting my lower lip to surpass a sob. “I’m so sorry... Sorry...” The tears that I had kept for a long time overflows, “I miss you... Ma..” I've waited for too long, ma. I thought you'll come back I'm regretting everything now. I learned my lesson kaya sana bumalik ka na. Pabigat na nang pabigat ang nararamdaman ko hanggang sa hindi na ako makagalaw at makahinga. Punching my chest for an air took time. I thought it will be the end of me. Having a mental breaking down can cause me this huge impact.
I felt paralyzed hindi makagalaw ang kamay at paa. Nanatiling nakatitig sa kisame habang sinasariwa ang nakaraan. My mama, the beautiful woman who gave birth to me, the one who loves me wholeheartedly just vanished one day.. I waited, I regret everything and she didn't come back.
___
I could feel the rays of sunlight on my face. I didn't sleep a wink however, my whole head is aching, my eyes were swollen. At the end I didn't had the courage to call for anyone. Tumayo na ako ng mag-alarm ang cellphone, nauna pa ako rito. I sighed and like a walking dead I stared my being on the mirror. Ngayon ang pagbisita ko kay Carlos pero parang mauudlot dahil sa nangyari kagabi. I took a step, my brows knitted. It felt so hard to make a move and the last thing I knew I lost my balance.
Pinilit kong tumayo pero hindi ko magawa tila nanghihina ang ibabang parte ng katawan. Namamanhid, at hindi magawang igalaw. Frustrating, I hit both of my thighs. “Tangina!” At sunod-sunod ko iyong pinagpapalo. Naghalo-halo na naman ang nararamdaman parang sibol na kahit gaano mo takpan ay pilit pa ring nakakawala ang mga patak ng tubig. My sight is blurry, “I-I!” I stammered. “P-Please!” Hindi ko na alam kung bakit at para saan ang pagwawala kong ito marahil ay dito ko inilalagay ang lahat ng naipong emosyon. Laying at the cold ground, I cried again. Endless.
Nakarinig ako nang kalabog. “Mahal! Aicia!” Footsteps were quick and heavy. “The
hell?!” Rinig kong mura niya bago maramdaman ang mainit na haplos niya sa akin. Tinanggal ang nakaharang kong mga palad sa aking mukha, “fuck! What happened, mahal? May nanloob ba? Anong nangyari? Why are you laying there and crying?” He asked, worried. I held the hem of his polo. “Bakit...” He didn't continue what he was about to say instead he looked at me with those eyes as he carry me on the bed. Sinalat nito ang noo ko, “wala ka namang sakit.”
“I-I’m.. I’m sorry..” I whispered my eyes filled with tears.
I bet Simon is turned off seeing me like this, like a mess. He sat beside me, interwining our hands, “hush, mahal. It's okay, I'm here. Hindi kita iiwan.” Those affectionate eyes, words full of warmth, gentle touch and him. He waited for me to finished crying je didn't question why nor try to judge. Simon was just there beside me holding my hands tightly as he listen.. I've spent a lot of minutes before finally resting, for real.
In my darkest hour he appeared. Wrapping me with his light.
“Aicia, bubukod ka?” Tanong ni Uncle Esteban habang nakatitig sa malaking maletang dala-dala ko. I'm planning to move out and just rent an small apartment. I couldn't see our supposed to be home as it is.. Blinded, yes, I am.
I gave him a weak smile. Sigurado at desidido na ako sa desisyon ko, “opo, magco-college na rin naman po ako. You don't have to worry about me, Uncle.” I'm still bearing the consequences and blames, “I’m fine.” A lie that I'm always using.
Uncle Esteban stilled, he held both of my shoulders. “Aicia aampunin kita. Pinangako ko sa mama mo na———” I cut him off. Hinding-hindi at kailanman ay ‘di ako obligasyon ni uncle. Deep inside he was also grieving, he love mama despite of not reciprocating his feelings. He remained loyal kahit na nabuntis si mama ng iba at ako ang bunga. Always and forever loving my mama.
Bakit hindi siya magalit? Bakit kaysa mas kamuihan ako ay nagpapaka tatay pa ito sa akin? I don't know anymore. “Please po, kaya ko po ang sarili ko. ” Self centered. Selfish. Natawa ako ng pagak ng bumalatay ang sakit sa mukha ni uncle ang balikat nito ay kapwa nawalan ng tikas at bahagyang napa atras. Before turning my back on him I told these words that meant for him to be heard more than anyone else. “I am sorry uncle for taking my mama away from you. It's my fault. Ayos lang po kahit hindi niyo ako patawarin... I-I’m just sorry for taking away your chance to propose... To build a family with her.. Sorry po.” Hikbi ko at tumalikod na sakanya.
Iniwan ko siyang mapaluhod sa lapag habang tahimik na lumuluha. Patawad po kung tinanggalan ko kayo ng pagkakataong maging masaya. Don't worry, I'll repay all those damages. I won't be happy because I don't deserve it.
Ayos na ang pakiramdam nang magising ulit. Mas magaan na ang pakiramdam kaysa kanina at kataka-takang naigagalaw na ang pang-ibabang parte ng katawan ngunit hindi pa rin maitatanggi ang bahagyang panghihina nito. Dumiretso ako sa banyo upang manghilamos at magpalit ng damit kung kanina ay talagang magang-maga ang aking mga mata ngayon ay semi-swollen nalang.
“Kain na,” malamyos ang boses. Napalingon ako. Si Simon na naka apron habang dala-dala ang tray na may laman ng pagkain. “Gising na,” nakangiti siya. I expected an interrogation but none happen. Inalalayan pa ako nito pagkatapos mailapag ang pagkain sa side table para akong bagong panganak sa asta niya. “Ayos na pakiramdam mo? Dumaan kanina si Carlos dito mukhang ‘di natuloy ang balak niyong meet up. And hmm,” he bit his lower lip. “Ring ng ring kanina iyong phone mo kaya pinakielaman ko na. And hmm, I saw that unregistered number who's spamming on your messages kaya tinawagan ko at well,”
Namamaos ang boses ko siyang tinanong. “Anong nangyari?”
Simon kissed my forehead. “Tinapos ko lang iyong battery exam ko ni hindi na ako pumasok sa iba kong klase kasi parang may kutob ako kaya pinuntahan na kita. I also asked your classmates and they said you rarely take a break or absent kaya naisip kong baka may nangyari.” He sighed. “You made me worried. You don't know what I felt when I saw you crying hard to the point having a mental break down. When I took you to your bed and waited for you to rest I picked the phone and called that number. I kinda shouted and cussed out whoever he or she might be?” My eyes went wide. “I’m sorry na mahal..” He looked like a puppy.
Sa mukha niya halatang guilty ito. I told him to bring me my phone at halos sabunutan ko ang sarili ng makitang private number iyon ni uncle Esteban. Patay, now I don't have any excuse to ran away because I need to apologise. “A-Ayos lang?” Wala pang kasiguraduhan kong ani. Simon took the spoon and pampered me again, “kaya ko namang kumain mag-isa.” Reklamo ko.
“Pero gusto kitang subuan.” He answered and continued to spoil me. Sa isang kutsara nagsalo kami ni Simon habang pinapakain ako nito ay sumusubo na rin siya. Halos maubos namin ang niluto nitong kanin sa rice cooker at mukhang mabibitin pa. “Dapat pala tatlong baso na ang sinaing ko,” nakangiwi siya.
I rested my head on his hard chest. “Busog na ako.” Sabi ko. Iniangat ko ang tingin nagsalubong ang aming mukha, he took a peck on my lips.
He grinned. “Busog na rin ako.” And chuckled. “Mahal, do you want to come with me?” He offered.
And I don't have the heart to say no.
YOU ARE READING
Blinding Lights
General Fiction[FIN] Being a college student is tough. You're now at a level of your life where you could be a light for someone else however, Aicia Gueco a third year BSA student is sailing without any direction on life. Afraid of rejections, afraid of criticism...
