Blinding Lights

Kabanata 11

“Where are you?” I asked for the tenth time when he picked up the call. “I’m worried its been three weeks ni wala kang update. Did I do something wrong? Am I suffocating?” Sunod-sunod kong tanong. He's silent it made me more frustrated. “Simon naman! Sumagot ka naman oh, please..”

Nakarinig ako ng buntong hininga sa kabilang linya. [“I’m okay.”]  Tipid na tipid ang sagot niya. Again, I heard strange noises like someone crying and shouting. It made me shiver what the hell is Simon doing?

“Not funny anymore, Simon. Mag-usap tayo hindi yung tinataguan mo ako ng ganito! Wala akong ideya kung kumusta ka o nasaan ka! Nagtanong ako sa department niyo ang sabi kung walang exam ay hindi ka papasok... I heard rumors, Simon. That you joined that fraternity! Totoo ba?” Nanginginig na ang labi ko kakahintay ng sagot niya. Nanalangin na sana mali ang nasagap, that fraternity killed one of my batch mates on accountancy. That fraternity for its notorious schemes!

[“So? What if I am?”]

I squeezed the hem of my shirt. He said it. Like I didn't matter at all. “Simon what are you doing on your life? May problema ka ba? May problema ba tayo ng hindi ko alam?” Halos magmakaawa na ako para malaman kung bakit pero parang wala lang ito sakanya.

[“Brad, tara na. Sino iyang kausap mo? May girlfriend mo? Huh, paano tayo mambababae niyan?”] A voice of someone.

Biglang tumulo ang luha ko. “Mambababae? Iyon ba iyong ginagawa mo nitong mga nakaraang linggo? Kung may problema pala tayo kingina sana sinabi mo!” Sigaw ko wala ng pakielam kung makabulabog ng cotumer sa mamihan. “Tangina Simon alam mo ba iyang pinapasok mo?! You're walking on the fucking wrong path! Pangarap mong maging engineer! Isang taon nalang! Makinig ka naman sa akin! Kahit ‘wag na muna nating pag-usapan yung relasyon basta makinig ka lang muna... Kingina, umalis ka sa frat na iyan!” Dahil nag-aalala ako na mangyari sa iyo iyong mga nangyari sa biktima nila. On the past when the parents of our batch mate filled an appeal the university kept it a secret and disapproved the resolution. Paano kung sakanya mangyari iyon? Natatakot ako.

[“I'm just doing something. Take care of yourself. Don't engaged yourself on me.”]  Anas niya bago pinatay ang tawag.

Natulala ako sa cellphone habang hindi makapaniwala sa nangyari. I'm at the peak of crying but I chose not to. Gusto ko siyang makausap ng harap-harapan pero hindi niya ako binibigyan ng pagkakataon kaya mas lalo itong nagiging mas mahirap sa amin. No, Aicia there's a lot of time we just have to wait for the right timming. Instead of sulking and worrying for nothing I ordered for a another bowl of mami to calm myself.

Right, I should be eating at this hour.
Pagkauwi ay agad akong nagpalit ng damit atsaka dumiretso sa napag-usapang lugar. I'm going to meet uncle Esteban without Simon... Without him. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ikikilos ko sa oras na magkaharap kami. Should I kneel and ask for forgiveness? Or I'll just back out?  No, Simon thought me to stand up not to run away again.

Natagpuan ko si uncle na naka upo sa puntod ni mama may dala itong malaking basket ng bulaklak habang nagsisindi ng kandila. He looked thinner, I gulped. Maraming nagbago kay uncle. He was smiling at my mother's grave I'm sure he's telling a story. I walked near him, “you know Aicia and I will meet today. Namiss ko ang batang iyon ‘wag kang mag-aalala ako na ang bahala sakanya.” I ruined everything. “Even though I didn't had the chance to propose to you it felt like I'm having my own family. Sa tuwing dadalawin ko kayo ni Aicia sa bahay humihiling ako na sana pumayag ka sa alok kong kasal.. However..”  Its my fault. “Your daughter is so independent that I wish she could depend more on me. To treat me like her own father. Does she resent me? What you think?” I walked away because I don't deserve any of your affections. I took my mother away from you to a happy ending you planned. I ruined everything and that's why my conscience couldn't take it to see myself being happy.