Too Good to be Bad | Negan |

41 - Just you and me

We're all feeling rather depressed after we say goodbye to Kieran. But I'm glad we did talk it out before he left. We all got together last night, old friends and new, to spend one last evening together. When I saw Sherry, I gave her a hug to thank her for talking to Kieran. We might not have had the nerve to talk to each other if she hadn't meddled.

In the end, Kieran and I decided to just stay over in Alex and Max's room so we didn't have to leave before curfew. We all stayed up late talking and laughing, trying not to think about the fact that we didn't know when we'd see Kieran next. People from the satellite outpost don't come over to the Sanctuary much unless they have a good reason to be here. When we got too tired to talk, Kieran and I slept on the floor, holding each others hands.

But now he's gone. And Nikolai is missing a finger. And I don't sleep. A week or two after Kieran left, Pamela finds me asleep in a corner of the laundry room when she comes back from delivering the laundry. I was only going to take a little break as I waited for the washing machine to finish, but I guess I was more tired than I thought.

'Girl, pardon my language, but you look like hell.'

She hasn't talked to me much over the last weeks, still angry about my relationship with Negan, but she's been a bit more lenient the last few days.

'Shit, I'm sorry', I say, rubbing my eyes as I get up. 'Please don't tell Kenny.'

I doubt sleeping on the job would be appreciated.

'Hm', she says, pursing her lips. I'm not sure if that means she'll tell him or not. 'Why are you so tired anyway? Aren't all the men in your life done with you now?'

I scowl at her, but I'm too tired to fire back at her snarl.

'I have night terrors', I tell her as I start to fold some laundry, turning my back to her. 'I've been having them ever since I killed the man that raped Priya.'

I don't look at her, but I can just about hear her jaw drop. Just what I was going for. Maybe she'll be inspired to get off my back.

'Oh my', she says. Thankfully she's silent for a while. But I guess her curiosity gets the best of her. I'm sure she has many questions, but she settles on:

'What exactly is a night terror?'

'They're just very vivid dreams. Taking me back to the most horrible things I've experienced. I dream about when Ramon attacked me too.' I never talked to her about that, but I know she knows. Everybody does. So why not tell her the truth? 'And sometimes it makes me sleep walk. I don't exactly get much rest.'

'You were never so tired before.'

'Yeah, well that's because it's not as bad when I have someone to sleep with. I used to sleep in a bed with Alex and then with Negan, as you know.'

'So you were using him so you could sleep?'

I turn around and scowl at her for being so ridiculous. But then I think about it and it's not so crazy. I needed someone. And he was there.

'Well, yes, maybe we were just both using each other.'

Pamela squeezes her eyes together as she looks at me. I know she's mostly just jealous. She'd give her left kidney to sleep with Negan. But then she surprises me.

'You know, I have a friend. Megan. She used to be a psychiatrist. Maybe you should talk to her.'

'Are you calling me crazy now?' I ask annoyed, getting back to my laundry.

'No', she says. The earnesty in her voice makes me turn back around to see her face. She looks serious. 'She's helped me', she shrugs. 'I lost my husband, my girl and my two boys. Watched them all die, one by one. You think that didn't leave a mark on me? I was a mess when I got here. I didn't sleep either. Megan helped me get back to myself again. I still think about them every day. But I sleep. And I get by.'