Too Good to be Bad | Negan |

74 - This is the end

In the end, we decide to settle in Alexandria. We're given one house, which is a bit crowded, but we'll be able to spread out over two when we're finished fixing up the house across the street. There's a lot of fixing up to do since Negan bombed the place.

Alexandria is a good place to live. After living for months at the Sanctuary, I didn't even realize anymore how claustrofobic the place was. But now, living in spacious Alexandria, I wouldn't trade back to the narrow, grey halls of the factory for anything.

But for some reason, I just can't quite manage to settle into this beautiful place. There is a lot to do, which gladly keeps me occupied, but when I'm lying in bed alone at night, I feel restless and I just can't sleep. Maybe it's because I still feel very much like an outsider. The people are weary of us. Mostly of me and Kieran. They know he was a Savior. And they know what I was to Negan. I hear them whisper behind my back.

Of course, many people are nothing but welcoming. Michonne is amazing and I've been getting to know Rosita and Tara. The guy that Jared beat up that time I went on the run soon came up to us to introduce himself and to thank me for trying to stop Jared. His name is Aaron and we get along great. Even Daryl has apologized for the way he acted towards me. He seems a bit gruffy, but otherwise all right.

So maybe the people here aren't the problem. Maybe it's about the people who aren't here. Jody would have been so happy here with Samantha. Sherry and Dwight could have had a life here too. But they're out there somewhere. Dwight told me, she isn't dead. Or at least, he didn't see her die. He's out there looking for her. I hope he finds her.

But mostly I think about Derek. Sometimes when I lie awake and feel the hours pass by slowly, I decide to leave my bed and go out to visit his grave. After they took me away for the exchange, Carl convinced his dad to let him be buried inside the walls after all. I'm thankful for it. I'm glad he's not out there alone. Before Derek died, he thanked me for making him remember how it can be. But all I can think about now is how it could have been. He should have been here with me.

My friends are here and they are happy. We are together and we are safe. That should be enough. So I don't tell them how restless I feel. How alone.

---

One night, when even after a long day of hard work repairing the damage done to Alexandria sleep won't come to me, I decide to unpack a back of my stuff Kieran brought back from the Sanctuary. It's been sitting in a closet because it doesn't contain any essentials, but I've been thinking about picking up drawing again and I think some of my pencils might be in there.

As I rummage through it, my eye gets drawn to something shiny and delicate, stuffed away in a corner of the back. I take out the necklace Negan gave me all those months ago and hold it in the air to look at it. I haven't worn it since that day we fought and I ended up sleeping with Kieran. I sigh as I let it slide through my hands. They're holding him here, in a cell beneath one of the houses. Whenever I pass it, I can't help but glance in its direction. I want to see him. I want to talk to him.

I get up resolutely and stuff the necklace into my pocket. Then I make my way outside and walk over to that house. At this time of night, fortunately there aren't many people outside. But his cell is being guarded. It always is. I think that's mostly for his protection.

'Hey', Rosita greets me. 'Can't sleep?'

Rosita doesn't sleep too wel herself. I've run into her outside at the strangest times.

'Nah', I sigh. 'You know what it's like.'

'Wanna hang out with me?' she asks, happy to have a companion in these lonely hours. I bite my lip nervously, a little anxious about what I'm going to ask.