Still Falling

01 | home

Amanda

*

The noise from aircrafts plaguing the air was a loud reminder of my reality as I stepped off the plane. It was one of the warmer months of the year, marking the demise of summer, but the wind of the late afternoon was determined nonetheless, obscuring my vision with tendrils of my hair.

I crossed the tarmac and made my way to the conveyor belt where I waited for my luggage. I stood awkwardly, checking my phone every minute for a text or some sort of notification from Jamie. I craved reassurance now I was back in New York, back to the place where I'd felt most at home in a long time.

There was a weird feeling swirling in the pit of my stomach, accompanied with light headedness. My mind wandered to the bottle of Xanax pills in my bag- something I'd resulted to in the last days following my return to Manhattan. I reserved them for moments when I couldn't get a hold of myself, when my nerves ran high and breathing techniques had zero effect on my anxiety.

I recalled the conversation that had me hoping I'd made the right decision. I didn't have a lot of friends back at Vancouver, choosing to stick by myself, a loner in a new city, but I think that was what attracted Jamie to me.

"You're a runner, Amanda," he mused one afternoon, leaning against the wall with a coffee in hand while I poked at my fruit bowl during a lunch break. "And I don't think that's something that has done you any good. Returning home might just be the best decision of your life."

Home. Not where I'd grown up. That was just another place I'd ran from. It had been a tough decision to make, returning here, and one I didn't have much time to do either.

I got my bags and rolled them with me as I passed the exit gates. It wasn't very hard to spot Nate. He was taller than many people in the room, and his bright, beaming face drew me in like a magnet. My eyes stung, and I felt an invisible weight lift from my chest and relief take it's place.

My eyes shifted to Sienna who stood several heads shorter beside him, her arms outstretched. I let myself fall into her embrace and hugged her back.

"Welcome home, Amanda," she cooed softly. Something blunt and protruding poked at my belly and I fell a step back. Instinctively, my eyes took in her stomach and my hands flew up to cup my mouth. It was barely six months since they got married, but it felt like yesterday I was booking a trip to attend the wedding.

"Oh my God," I breathed.

"We wanted to surprise you. It was Nathaniel's idea." She nudged her husband in his side.

I turned to look my best friend in the eye. His dark eyes gleamed with his hands out. "Surprise."

I moved in to hug him and let the tear I'd been keeping in for the longest time drop. "Oh my God," I repeated, my ear pressed against his chest. This was really happening. Nate wasn't just the man I'd known since I was three. He was a husband now, and soon, a dad. I became awfully aware of the fact that we were getting older, and it made me cry even harder. Nate went rigid beneath me, from panic maybe.

When I pulled away, the two of them shared a look of concern. One I was all too familiar with.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," I said as I wiped my face with my sleeve. "No need to freak out. Who else knows about the baby?"

"Everyone else but you," Nate said as he moved for my luggage and pulled them after us. My mouth fell open. I wanted to feel cheated, like being away had put me in the fringes of the lives of the ones I loved, but it was impossible to, especially at the prospect of having a tiny version of Nate running around soon. And this was how surprises worked- they left you speechless.