Still Falling

15 | elude

Finn

*

I watched the door shut after her. I was very close to walking up to it and knocking until she opened up, but I tucked my desperation away and took the groceries into my apartment.

Head reeling with flashes from the night, I began the task of putting everything where they were supposed to be in the kitchen. My hands got to the bottom of one bag and pulled out a jar of Nutella. I paused, recalling how haughty I'd been with Amanda during the first half of the trip. She'd taken my apology easily, but I never stopped beating myself up internally over it. I was always pushed to my limits around her, forced myself to remain level headed when I wanted nothing more than what we used to be.

She couldn't know that, though. I didn't think I could survive a second rejection.

But some moments made me think different. Moments when she looked eager to see me, and when her smiles looked so genuine it felt like I would get sucked in them. Being the pathetic loser I was, that was something I ached for.

After everything was stashed away, I turned off the lights and padded to my room. Reaching for the hem of my sweater, I tugged it off. I rubbed the base of my stomach and ran my hand up, past my well defined chest, and stopped at my collarbone. The mild feeling of hunger was beginning to settle, along with a new thought. Was Amanda hungry right now, or had she grabbed something before we stumbled on each other at the elevator? Maybe I should have asked her to dinner after dragging her around for my sake.

Fuck, I'm a real piece of work.

Still in the dark, I walked over to the window and drew the curtains apart, revealing the unreal beauty of the moon. A part of me that wasn't hellbent of self sabotage loved being with her tonight. All my fears seemed to melt away in her presence, filling me with a kind of hope. Like more purpose lay ahead for me.

What if I cooked something and took some to her? Would I come across as childish and eager to please? Because that was always my first instinct with Amanda. To please. In the way I was thinking of cooking for someone, when I was still learning to do so for myself. Flowers and expensive gifts had always been my go-to, the sort of thing I could have someone else arrange for me. But this side of me-a part that craved intimacy-only she could bring it to light.

At the last moment I shut out the idea and retreated to my bed to call it a night. I wondered when I would get the chance to see her again. We lived right across from each other, but it felt like she was avoiding me. Didn't that make her life harder, if my living here made her routine even more tedious?

My phone vibrated on the space next to me on the bed. I brought it up to see an incoming call from Parker. Fuck, I still needed to offer him a proper apology.

I swiped right on the screen and held it to my ear.

"Hello, Parker."

"Mr Harris. How did your evening go?"

I stared into the poorly lit emptiness above me as I thought his question through. "It went well. Amanda was very tolerating of my behavior. More than you probably would have." Parker chuckled, but I felt guilt. "I'm sorry for cancelling so last minute. I bumped into her and she offered to help with the shopping, and..." I trailed off, failing to come up with an excuse as to why I chose her, when he was the more logical option.

Especially when he was already outside when I sent him a text while I waited for Amanda by the elevator.

"You don't have to explain yourself, sir. At least, not in this situation."

I hesitated. The implication of his words was clear to me, but I had to be sure. "What makes this situation an exception?"

"She does," he said. "You've got a soft spot for her. She brings out a different side of you."