Still Falling

03 | low

Amanda

*

I told myself I wouldn't do this again, not since the day I found myself giving in to temptation and looking up the people I'd cut contact with.

Results from my findings revealed that Tilly's Facebook bio still read guidance counselor, while River was awarded an Oscar for his supporting role in a movie. Octavia was apparently staying overseas, with barely any more information regarding her life.

After being convicted for planning the attempted attack on me and the shooting of the CEO of Harris Enterprises, Elizabeth was admitted into a mental asylum. Her case was sensationalized a great deal by the media. The unfortunate heiress, they dubbed her, although unfortunate was a term I felt was more suited to the lives of those she'd ruined.

These were all information I'd sourced for over a year ago. I could not bring myself to go back for more, and most importantly, I never inched for anything concerning him. The thought was painful enough, and I was afraid of what I would find, or wouldn't.

Today was different. I was restless, and found my mind drifting to places I wished it wouldn't. But the thoughts continued to fill my head, and they seemed intent on driving me insane. I paced the confines of my apartment and watched some TV, but the incessant need to know clawed on to me like an unshakeable bug.

Naturally, I did what helped the most in situations like this. I got out cleaning supplies, detergent and bleach. If Nate or Sienna caught me right now, they would think I was going crazy. They would be within their rights to - my apartment was clean and in pristine condition. This building was barely three months old, and the both of them made sure my living space was spotless before I moved in two days ago.

But the thing was, mindless cleaning was one of the things I did when it felt like I was loosing my grip on reality. It was easier to preoccupy my mind when my hands were busy, so cleaning an already spotless apartment was a small price to pay for a little control.

I wiped the counters, mopped the floors, scrubbed the white surfaces of the toilet and laundered some clean clothes. Two hours later, I was done quicker than I'd hoped. It was barely noon.

"Fuck," I muttered under my breath, stood right in the middle of my living room, searching for more things to clean. There was none. "Fuck me."

I wondered what Sienna and Nate would think if I popped into their place to clean. Maybe that would be taking it too far. My spine went rigid at the sound of the doorbell. After a glance into the peephole, I opened my front door and took in the delivery man who held a small package.

"Delivery for Amanda Reed."

"Yep, that's me." I took off my cleaning gloves and signed on his tablet. He handed me the package and bid me goodbye before retreating down the hall. After I shut the door, I unboxed it to reveal a magenta colored dress, one I had ordered for the purpose of the wedding.

I tried it on in my bedroom, admiring the vibrance of the shade and the long sleeves that nearly hid my fingers. I stared at my bare neck left exposed by the wide U-neckline. I touched it. It suddenly felt like I was missing something- something that had to be there.

He looped the pendant around my neck and hooked it in place. His hand came up to my chin as those eyes scrutinized the necklace and shifted to mine.

"A gift. Never take it off, okay?"

I shut my eyes, hard. Desperate to erase the memory. But it was a stubborn thing, and I could almost feel his presence behind me, feel the gentle touch of his hand against my skin. For a second it was almost like I still had the necklace around my neck.