Still Falling

06 | déjà vu

Amanda

*

In those years we were apart, I had a few times let myself, cruelly, envision seeing Finn again. Not often, and mostly in the first few months. I had imagined there to be some sort of spark in the air, pulling us together, but this situation was different. There was certainly some type of energy in the air now, but a type I could not have seen coming- hostility.

The iciness of his gaze was painful. I couldn't bring myself to meet it, but he was stubborn with his comments and prodding questions. And the fact that he wouldn't stop staring at me was nudging me closer to the edge. The moment he appeared, I wanted to be anywhere but here, but I felt cornered like an animal. Dominic's presence didn't make things any easier. His exchange with Finn tried to disguise as amicable, but I knew there was more to it. Finn wasn't haughty with just anybody, but I was too anxious about my situation to care more about theirs.

"Allergy? Do you two know each other?" Dominic asked as the waiter departed with the plate.

I suddenly lost interest in mine too, settling on downing the rest of my glass in one go. I shot up from my seat and felt both men's attention on me. "I need to use the restroom," I barely got out before I grabbed my purse and left the table, desperate to get as far away from Finn as possible.

I rushed past Elliot and Natalie's table on my way out, thought I heard someone call my name, but kept walking. I wrung my hands nervously, blocking out everything. God, I was so stupid. His fucking allergy? I didn't know when the words came out of my mouth, or that the memory was so prevalent it leapt out at the slightest chance it got. And the look of shock on his face? I couldn't get it out of my head.

I got into a stall in the restroom, shut the toilet lid close and sat on it. I held my face in my hands and heaved. There was stinging behind my eyes- telltale signs of an impending outburst of tears- but I fought to keep them at bay. Of what use would it be if I returned to the reception teary eyed and with smudged make up? Absolutely nothing.

I pulled my purse open and rummaged for a familiar bottle of pills, but was met with none. I thought back to the day before, when I took it during the breakdown. I clenched my teeth together after recalling leaving it on my dresser. I had little faith in myself to survive this evening unscathed without it. Not with Finn here. Not with this huge ache in my chest. Not with all the regret bubbling to the surface, threatening to burn me once again.

I was going to have to leave. I'd already had one too many glasses of wine, and this was only the beginning of an inevitable downward spiral. Natalie and Elliot would have to forgive me, and I was going to ensure that I made it up to them in some way. I sucked in a sharp breath and got up. I bumped into Natalie outside the stall.

She held my hands, expression sympathetic. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. We had no idea he was coming, he just arrived at New York this afternoon." She gave my hands a desperate squeeze.

I nodded, avoiding her eyes so she wouldn't see what was in mine. "It's fine, Natalie. You don't have to apologize. I'm about to call it a night anyway."

"Oh no, you're leaving?"

The look on her face made my chest squeeze. Why was she so keen on me being here? I was the cause of this mess. I'd ruined everything. And now, the least I could do was be here for her.

"After a dance or two?"

Her eyes lit up. "Let's go," she tugged me back outside where people had already began to fill the dancefloor. Dominic approached us, a glass of wine in hand with a look of concern on his face.