Still Falling

14 | forget

Amanda

*

"Amanda. Amanda?"

A hand waved in front of my face. I blinked, snapping back to my present with a start. It was then I realized I had zoned out since my coursemates and I converged at a small cafe to work on our group project. The both of them were staring at me, with our laptops, notes and papers cluttering the surface of the wooden table.

"Sorry, what?"

"Dennis was just giving a rough outline for the written material," Leigh explained, eyes fixed on mine with careful scrutiny. "Are you feeling okay?"

I nodded at the both of them, a little too hard too. "Yeah, yeah, I just... zoned out. Sorry."

"Well, is there anything bothering you?" Dennis asked. "You can talk to us, maybe we could be of help."

I thinned my lips and thought it through. How do you tell people who were kinda your friends but were more of people you were connected to through schoolwork about the fact that you'd had little to no grip of yourself since your new neighbor moved in? That the little grasp of sanity you coddled like the most precious thing in the world was at threat of being stolen from right under your nose? And since the said neighbor had moved in, you had managed to avoid them for nearly a week?

I couldn't. Because then they would think my life was a circus, and they weren't good enough friends for that kind of dump. Making new friends in your twenties wasn't fun, and fuck, I needed me some. Someone who could take my meltdowns with nothing more than a snort. Someone... someone like Ingrid.

I really missed Ingrid. After graduation she never returned to New York, choosing to set up camp in San Antonio. We spoke a few times over the phone, FaceTimed a couple, but I wasn't my best in terms of communication during that two year time period and often evaded her calls. Simply picking up the phone to speak with friends or family became a chore. I hated it, but it was my reality.

I pulled on a smile and again, shook my head at Dennis and Leigh. My brain couldn't think of a lie quick enough especially when the truth was weighing heavily on my tongue, so I opted for the most convenient. "It's nothing, really. Just a little spacy, I guess."

They didn't push any further and after we resumed working, I tried my best not to let my mind wander.

It was dark out when I returned to the complex. I rode the elevator up to my floor and stilled when the doors drew open. He wasn't aware at first, but then he lifted his head from his phone and I was fairly certain his expression matched mine for a second, before he schooled it into one of indifference. God, I wish it was just as easy for me, but the sight of him since our last encounter had an exaggerated effect on me. Like the way it was harder to breathe around him, and every nerve of my body felt awakened, hyperaware. And although I avoided him for days now, I'd secretly hoped to bump into him somehow.

"Hi," I said to him, hoping he couldn't catch the nervous eagerness in my voice.

"Hey," he returned, and looked like he was going saying more before he stepped out of the way. He used to be eager to know all I did. He liked to know the places I'd been to, the things I had done and particularly didn't like me staying out late. But things were different now. I pursed my lips in acceptance of that fact and stepped out of the elevator. I noticed he was dressed casually in sweats and a thin sweater that looked a little washed out. Only a few times had I seen him step out this way. It roused my curiosity.

"Where are you off to?" I asked just before he got into the elevator. When he turned to me, his eyes were narrowed in the slightest, like he was trying to decipher the reason for my question.