lx. my saint

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lx. my saint
– Kaz



FINDING RANDVI HADN'T been hard. After all, when you're the most powerful criminal in Ketterdam, there's no such thing as a secret. Even without his Wraith, secrets found their way to him.

Kaz had always known that Randvi would leave Ketterdam, but perhaps a part of him had secretly hoped she would stay. The idea of parting ways frightened him in a way he would never understand. For so long he had spent his days mocking and criticising her, wishing her to be far away from him. Now the day had finally arrived, he wanted to beg her to stay.

But he wouldn't.

A soft pink had flooded the skies, the crows flying overhead nothing but faint black dots against the sunset. It looked like a painting. And stood amongst it was Randvi.

Her hair had been braided back from her face, the comforting black soot once again smudged against her eyes. A breeze lifted some wisps of her hair, dried salt from the sea air settling against her cheeks, dusting them as though they were freckles. For a moment Kaz forgot how to breath, his heart beating just that bit quicker.

Randvi exchanged some words with Jakov, then made her way towards him. There was the ghost of a smile on her lips, the flames of hope burning brightly in her eyes. It was the girl he had known all those years ago, the girl that dreamed of the future and saw the beautiful in the ugly.

Kaz wanted Randvi to leave behind the cruelness of the city and search for something good. But he wouldn't let her go without a goodbye, without speaking the words he'd once been too afraid to. After all, it was shame that ate men whole, and to not tell Randvi of his feelings would forever be his greatest shame.

"The Zemini don't know what they've got in store from them,"

"I'll try not to bring too much chaos into their peaceful lives," she laughed. "After all, its the last safe place in this world for me."

"Let's hope you don't ruin your crops and starve before you make a name for yourself," a jibe, Kaz wanted to kick himself. "But if that were to happen, you'll always be welcome in Ketterdam."

A silence passed between them, one that felt like miles – it felt like nothing. Around them the shouts of sailors and tourists echoed, the clunk of crates hitting the harbour, the crashing of waves against the stone dock walls.

There were a thousand things he wanted to say, a thousand feelings he needed to make known and even more apologies he had to give. There were too many for this lifetime, too many to say to Randvi now. So he settle on one, one he hoped would make all his feelings known.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be the boy you you wanted me to be."

He felt the weakness of his own voice even through his rasp. Had Randvi fallen for the boy that had existed before the plague? The boy with a good heart, before the goodness had been burnt from him? It didn't matter how much Kaz wished to be that boy again, he no longer was. He was Dirtyhands. King of the Barrel. He was a monster, and no wishing would change that.

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