Sometimes I question if Vylad has caught on. He has a watchful eye, and that makes the situation even harder. There isn't a reason for him to be observant of signs of a relationship. I think Garroth and I have covered it up very well. But I can't help but feel like others know more than I think they do. It's a crazy idea, and Garroth pushes it off as paranoia.
If someone knew, others would know. If someone knew, I would've known.
"What did you get for number thirteen?"
"3n over 5."
My eyes squint together at his words. The answer on my page doesn't match with what he got. "What?" I question, mainly to myself, before scanning over my paper in order to find my mistake. It takes nearly a minute before I do.
Half of my remaining eraser is gone by the time I fix it. My hands are in my messed up hair, and my glasses are sitting on the visible pages of my math book. I couldn't care less where my pencil is now. I can't even find it. And the notebook's paper looks wrinkled.
"You're overthinking it," Vylad says, finding my pencil under a folded over piece of blanket and handing it to me. He picks up my glasses, trying to shove them onto my face. They're loose on my ears and lopsided on my nose. "You should take a break. You look run down."
"I'm just tired."
"You can't pull that excuse for everything."
"And I thought Laurance knew me."
He gives me his famous "Alex, what the fuck" look before reaching forward for my book. Normally I would fight against him, but I give in. His bed is large enough to do this. My supplies are tossed carelessly to the other side of his bed, and he takes my glasses off to place them on the bedside next to him. After this, we just stare at each other.
These are our silent conversations. He somehow manages to figure out what I'm thinking or what I'm feeling during these times. I'm so messed up right now that I can't help but wonder if he'll be able to figure everything out. If he did, I could tell Garroth with honesty that I didn't tell Vylad. He figured it out on his own. That'd be one less person who doesn't know.
I've always questioned how Vylad has known me better than anybody else. Maybe it's because Laurance knows me, but he doesn't pay attention to the little things I do. Garroth just now is putting more attention to anything that concerns me, but he doesn't know everything yet. And Kandi, you can only hide so much at a time. But Vylad, he sees through it all.
Vylad is now holding me to his chest. If he did this four months ago, I wouldn't comment on it. But now, it feels strange. Like a betrayal. "Take a nap."
"This is weird."
"Okay, and? Take a nap."
My mind doesn't want to stop racing. I think back to problem thirteen. How on Earth did I manage to mess that up the way I did? Am I stressed, or am I being consumed with guilt? How long until the others find out?
"How's soccer going?" I ask, trying to start up a conversation in order to distract myself. I'm not tired. Vylad's right. I can't keep using that as an excuse.
"You talk a lot."
"I know," I mumble, frowning a bit. He's ruining my attempts to distract myself. "Why do you think I was always moved around in elementary school?" My laugh is fake. Can he see through it? If he does, Vylad doesn't comment on it.
Maybe there are some upsides to having a secret relationship. Nobody sees me different for dating Garroth. Standing next to him, I feel like I can only make him look better. It's like Laurance stole all the attractive genes in the womb, and our mother couldn't produce more for me. Ivy can't hurt me. She can't threaten me. She doesn't know what's happening, and that makes me feel a bit of hope. Garroth's fangirls can't corner me in the bathroom or badmouth me.
But then there's the other side of me that thinks of a parallel universe. One where I'm not afraid to be on Garroth's arm, smiling. Where if I wear another male's sweatshirt, the last name on the back is because I'm dating them. Not because I was cold and my brother or best friend gave me a sweatshirt. I'd drown in it, but I drown in Laurance's clothing. He'd hold my hand and wouldn't take it away because someone is walking towards us. A place where I can be looked at without a comment being made. One. . a universe. . . where Laurance doesn't dictate my happiness.
I think maybe I've calmed down in Vylad's arms. The smell of his cologne has always been a comforting one. His smile is something that takes all the pain away. Vylad is someone who's always been there when I needed him most.
The door opens, and Garroth walks in. He pauses before looking at us and taking a step back. He doesn't stop looking at me. Vylad doesn't scold him for not knocking, and lets me go. I feel awkward. I feel guilty.
"Mummy wanted me to get you guys because dinner will be done. Vylad, it's your turn to set the table."
Garroth briskly walks away, leaving Vylad and I sitting on the bed looking at each other. He seems confused, but doesn't question it. Instead, he gets up, offers me a hand, and takes the lead.
Kandi is stopped next to the door frame. I didn't notice her before. "Why was Garroth looking at you that way?"
"I don't know," I say, shrugging my shoulders before we both begin to walk.
"Strange."
"Yeah. . . strange."
