Never Ending

*Internal pain*

"Mom... We need to talk. Now."

She still stares at the TV not paying attention to what I am saying

I take a deep breathe "Why did you abandon me the other night? Why did you let what happened happen? Why would you ever allow some random fucking strange assault your own fucking daughter?! Even if you hated her!"

Rage fills after I spoke. It was like I was holding it in for too long and it all came pouring out. Letting my emotions loose and taking it out on my mother.

The TV turns off. Her head turns so I can see her face as she responds "What do you mean I hate you?"

I respond "Mom it's obvious. You let all of these guys degrade me constantly and the other night you literally witnessed that fucker assault me! If that was your way of showing you care then it's a pretty fucked up way" I begin to tear up. Come one you gotta stay strong. BE strong.

She sighs "You blacked out... k can't blame you for being mad because I did stand there. I'll explain. So when you called my name I was in shock and didn't know what to do. I just stood there and ran upstairs not knowing what to do. The most logical thing would have probably been to call the cops or even fight him but I didn't. I was scared. When I saw the blood later I felt scared. Horrified because I knew what happened. I went out and went to a friend because I had no one else to go to. But since I saw how vulnerable you were that night and the blood giving me proof I had a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. Guilt. I felt so guilty for not doing anything..."

I should feel satisfied with this explanation but instead rage fills in me knowing she could have tried to do something even as little as saying stop but instead runs away like a coward. But also she sounded somewhat genuine. Even tho I shouldn't trust her I feel I should believe her.

"Huh I guess no one really loves me. I mean I don't even have a dad! You never speak about dad so I assume he just left and I'm stuck with a parent who doesn't even give two shits about me!"

My mother growing angry "Don't you fucking talk to me like that! We don't talk about your dad because I don't even know who the fuck he is! He probably wouldn't regret his decision if he did leave you tho! All you do is talk back and give an attitude!"

"I GIVE AN ATTITUDE TO PROTECT MYSELF! Not like you would have ever done it. I don't know why I even bothered talking to you. I was thinking you weren't too bad but I was wrong." I begin to walk away

My mother dismisses "Get out of my fucking face! Disrespectful daughter I have."

I roll my eyes and go to my room.

That was an explanation. A shitty one though I mean why would a mother just let her kid be hurt by someone? Especially someone she doesn't even know 

*

I feel my mind going 100 MPH with memories of everything that's happened in my life.

Assault

Bullying

Self hate

Constant betrayal

And the worst no hope

Why am I even here? Why? All people do is push me around I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT

Im so tired of feeling this pain constantly. The feeling of self pitty, loneliness, meaningless...

I look around in my room throwing things to the floor finding anything. I go through a drawer and find scissors. I hold the scissors while lifting my pants to my knee. I place is just high enough to where people won't see it and press the scissors against my skin.

I only felt a pinch and when I look at the leg blood begins slowly to pour down on my leg. I watch as it slowly pours half way down before I decided to wipe it. I didn't want anyone to notice the cut so I go to the bathroom and grab rubbing alcohol to clean the wound. I go back to my room to rip a random shirt I didn't use to wrap and wound.

The pain felt good, the physical pain other than the internal pain. It was hard to explain but I would rather feel that then the pain I'd felt before.

*

I put my pants back down and get to bed to fall sound asleep.