Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

3- hesitation

Positivity has never been my thing, and although on these old days I was smiling and pretending to be put together I was very vulnerable and I think people knew. So I try to keep pretending I'm happy, I try to smile and be there for everyone. And while it hurts me, helping them is worth it. I wish I had somebody who was there for me, so therefore I don't want them to wish the same thing.

People might never believe or even accept me. No matter what I do nobody seems capable of at least accepting the real and new version of me. I don't expect forgiveness, but I do want acceptance, because this anxiety I have won't let me be at ease.

I always wonder how I'd be if the dread doctors never found me. I wonder how strong the bond between Tara and me would be. How we would be a happy family all together. How I'd hug my mother every chance I'd get and how I'd smile to my dad giving him all the love he needs through that. But I question myself; is any family ever truly happy? What if the dread doctors never found me but Tara still hated me? What if my parents still looked at me with disgrace? What if in all the multiple universes this family is torn apart?

I tear up by the thought of that, this wouldn't be fair, because all I ever needed was love, people I could call family. And just the thought of me not having it ever, screwing it up in every multiverse I get is so heartbreaking. This can't be it, or the universe must really hate this nine year old kid.

It's a curse upon me, to be this much hated but this much needed. How a person like me can go through all that but still come out of it alive and plant real smiles on peoples faces? No, it's not believable.

As I'm shattering, telling myself that I will just stay in my truck to gain all my energy back, to build up some confidence in my emotional state, to feel more positivity so smiling won't be this hard and calm myself all-together so I won't explode at them. Redemption is sure not easy.

I do believe that I'm truly cursed, because even if they don't reach out for help I'm still there for them, as if I see right through them. Day by day though all of this is getting harder, every night I feel a lump in my throat not knowing how I'll survive the next day. That's not because I'm afraid they'll send me back to hell, I mean of course, but, I'm afraid of the thought and possibility that I might collapse in front of them. They all work their way with affection, however that's very new to me. When I hug someone or even tell me the words they need to hear, I feel like breaking down and it's so hard not to tear up right there and then. I have been needing affection in my life for as long as I can remember and now it's making me feel things I cannot let out, or let anyone in for that matter. I'm just realizing this was what was missing and now that I may gain it but I don't know how to deal with it. It's breaking me.

Each time I get close to someone it only takes until that particular moment is over for me to distance myself completely. I'm afraid of anybody touching my soul. I don't deserve to be treated well or be loved, and it's not about me. I'm here to help, not to feel loved. I have to prevent that from happening. Although, I keep imagining how it would be if I accepted the love and created bonds with people. Then I'd have everything I ever wanted... but I don't deserve it.

I tear up once more trying to let it all out, I need to make sure I've cried all my tears so next time I encounter someone I won't be as vulnerable, I won't have tears left to cry. I rest my arms on the steering wheel and I lay my head on top, letting out all the tears that were kept inside me. The tears land on my pants because I was too tired to wipe away a non stop upcoming river. It gets wet but for the time being it doesn't bother me. Nothing matters now.

I raise my head and look on the side seat where I've thrown my phone as I thought light was coming from it. I look at it and as I anticipate it has turned on due to some notifications. But it was just my phone reminding me of some upcoming events. I have set my phone to remind me of important things in case I get lost in my mind and forget.

I hold my phone and I start to wish I had a bond with someone. There is only one person I truly feel comfortable with and who might actually care about me. But I have to keep reminding myself that me being alive is not for my sake. I want to text Liam so badly and have him be here for me, but I just can't. He might think I'm extremely cold because he is the only one who starts our conversations, but only if he knew, he would be surprised. After all, there is indeed a reason behind everything. He brought me back so I could afford them help, not ask for it.

I turn on my phone and check our last texts, they all basically are just Liam asking me to come over to wherever he is. He is not much of a texter when it comes to me but he's exactly the opposite when he texts in a group-chat with his friends. And honestly, it hurts me.

I try to think of how I would start a conversation. Start with "hey" or "are you free" or "do you wanna hung out". Nothing sounds good enough because reaching out is not something I do. And If I do I'll be a tearing mess by the time he would arrive. And that would freak him out, considering the fact that he's never seen me in this state.

The thought scares me and I hesitate. I lock it and toss it back to the side seat. I lay back and let the rest of the tears escape this prison of mine.

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Hope y'all liked it <3