Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

lily - part 2

That night I slept, I felt her near me, and I was so vulnerable that I wanted her near me to protect me. I didn't sleep good but the feeling of my sister being with me made up for everything else.

But through the minutes that feeling drifted further away and I was alone. It got so empty, I started to feel fear, it was dark, and it felt dangerous. I wasn't conscious to protect myself so I deeply needed her. "Lily" I sleep talked for those moments. I knew I was scared and my cheeks didn't feel dry anymore.

I saw my house, although I didn't recognize it. But I knew it was mine. I remember I was happy. I remember reaching home and seeing it all covering with my blood. Even though I was physically alright.

It was a grey car, that's all I remember about it, but it went right at me and crushed me. I'm not sure if I died or not. But I knew it would be the car. The day is coming and it would be this car that would end me.

After that I was in a hospital bed. I wasn't covered in blood, I was peacefully sleeping one moment. And the other moment it was as if I lived there. That was because I was a patient for a very long time. I didn't remember the crush, but I knew I had lost my memory. I wasn't looking for it though. I was in peace and wasn't seeking to remember anything.

I remember walking, I don't know where, but I remember I was still a patient at the hospital, I met someone I'm not sure if I recognized or not but had the most beautiful blue eyes. I think they meant something to me, but I didn't know. I remember asking the person who they were but they cried instead.

That night I was sweating like crazy, the nightmare was too much for me and I couldn't breathe. I wanted to run away but couldn't. The nightmare kept repeating itself. The house with my blood, the grey car, losing my memory, Liam crying, I don't know if that was everything but that's all my memory could collect.

What strikes me is that my mind, my subconscious, knew that someone crying was Liam but me in the dream couldn't remember. And it breaks me seeing him cry, being so affected by the fact that I'm not okay with the lost memory.

My body suddenly disconnects the nightmare by waking me up. I sit silently shaking not knowing what to make of it. I'm not sure I want to make out of it anything, it was so scary.

After a few hours of just sitting here I noticed how cold I was and decided to head to my truck for some warmth maybe that would calm me down. I get inside and decide not to do anything but lay inside for as long as it's needed. The scenario kept playing in my head like a movie.

After hours of comprehending it I had to come to terms with the fact that I will lose my memory and I'll die. Even though the nightmare scared me but part of me always wanted that. If I lose my memory I won't be this depressed will I? Maybe I can run away and start a new life. Maybe I'll be happier. Maybe I can forget and let go. Maybe I'll be happier.

I cannot let it happen, though, and I don't know why. I search for my phone in the truck and once I find it I hold it and turn it on to document in my nightmare and my life story. So if in any case all that happens I can read it and not rely on anyone. They all know me as the bad guy and know only the bad versions of me, it's their definition of me. So I don't rely on the possibility of them not telling me the full truth just bc they'd still be bitter to admit it- if any day we cross paths. Maybe they'd just send me to hell, and I wouldn't know why.

It takes me a while but I note down everything about my life and every person I've met. From who they are to what happened to them, or what I did to them, and what's our relationship if they're still alive.

When I finish I feel so bad because Tara will never stop hating me, and there's no way I can communicate with her. Hell, I don't know if she was ever listening or if she ever even could. What if she wants to forgive me but something from the other side forcing her not to? There's a million possibilities and it's impossible to know the truth.

Do dreams even mean anything? I remember when I would get nightmares as a kid and I would tell Tara about them. She used to reassure me that they only start meaning something once you believe in them and what you believe about them changes everything. I don't know if that was ever legit because it just seemed that it was a lie she tried to believe to help cope with her own nightmares.

What if the dreams I had only started as predictions because I started to believe in them? I keep questioning everything knowing that I can't get any answers. My head won't stop spinning even though I know I can't get anywhere with this.

Nothing makes sense, and I keep continue being lost. I fail to keep Tara's secret about her other name but I know the only secret I'll keep for the longest time is about the nightmare I had that night, and the notes about everything.

Out of curiosity, though, I google on my phone "dream meanings" and find endless of results, but then I change it to "nightmare meanings" and a bunch of other results came up. There was from seeing the dead to teeth falling out, being trapped and a lot of other horrific nightmares people had.

I don't find the exact one I had to google about dying in a nightmare and what came up surprised me and brought hopes in me. It said that death means the symbol of rebirth and that a huge chapter ends so the next one can begin. A huge transition.

I continued googling seeing own blood. There were a lot of scary results but mainly blood represented life.

Lastly, losing my memory. The results were really unclear but mainly it was "unknowingly running away from yourself".

So it is rebirth/ transition, life and that I'm running away from myself. Even though they might sound legit about me they still don't make sense but the first one. So I guess Tara doesn't hate me after all. Maybe she is listening. Maybe she will forgive me. Because of her I had a dream about rebirth which is exactly what I need. To rejuvenate.

Although the dream gave me the chills it might not mean anything bad after all. But I will keep in mind that it will only start meaning anything if I start believing in what I'll believe.

"Thank you Lily" I thank Tara for finally answering me.

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Hope y'all liked it <3