Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

15- trapped & drowned

Distraction is my way out. But being trapped is my way in. Distraction doesn't always work, because at some point while watching a show, for instance, there will be this scene that will remind me of something about my own life and without realizing it I will be re-living it.

My mind doesn't truly stop. Sometimes I have to re-live my whole life in order till the moment I am in and sometimes it's just random flashbacks of random scenarios I wish to have forgotten. The need to distract myself then is deeply needed because I feel like drowning in these memories. I don't know how or why they enter my mind out of nowhere and torture me. And it keeps repeating itself. I see every second of the remaining memory I remember. I remember the feeling. I remember the fear.

Today, my past, traps me there. The force is so strong that I cannot fight it. My mind keeps narrating it. I see it and narrate it. As if I'm telling it to someone. Or maybe I'm telling it to myself. Maybe I need to remember or keep it safe with a refreshed memory. And while doing so I break. I am not strong. I will never be strong for this particular incident. I don't remember what happened or what caused it. All I remember is Tara hugging me. I know we were hiding. I know we were terrified. But I remember what she told me. I remember not letting myself feel what I should have felt.

Tara grabs me after dad screams at her and hits her hard. She cries out of fear. She grabs me and runs to the other room while dad was fighting with our mom. I think she was stalling him so he won't get to us. I think she was protecting us. We reach the other room and all I can hear is screams. I feel my heart pounding out of my chest. I hear my sister crying. She hugs me to comfort me and keep me protected from him. I hear her say "he will go to hell for this" and at that moment I didn't know if it was supposed to calm me down. "He will get what he deserves" she says a few seconds after with vengeance in her voice. I cry unconditionally while these words calm her. I cry.

Until now, I don't really recall what happened. I don't know if the memory loss have just stolen this much from me, or I was too young, or the trauma completely erased it. I don't know what time it was, or how old I was. I don't remember what happened before. I don't know if he hit me too. I can't remember.

I didn't know how to feel. He was my father. My abusive father. I hated him. I wanted him to get what he deserves for abusing us in every way possible. But it killed me. My father was supposed to love me. I was supposed to see him as my superhero. He was supposed to protect me. I don't know what to feel about him. Should I wish hell upon him? I'm afraid of him. I'm hiding from him. I'm afraid of what more he can do. Of what more he will do. I feel frustrated. I cry even more in this torture. Do I have the heart to wish hell upon my own abusive father?
I don't know. I want to. But I know I don't.

Up to this day I'm frustrated not knowing what to feel about him. Should I cry? For him? Or for me? I can't accept the fact that he's my father. I feel guilty if I accept him to be in bell. I feel bad. I know I shouldn't but I do. He's a monster. But all I can think about is what and why. What made him become one? Why does he hate us so much? I don't remember what happened after. Or before. I know the truth must be much worse.

He has beaten up my sister many other times too both before and after this incident. But this by far was the scariest for me because of what Tara told me in that room. I never thought I'd hear these words from her. But she seemed decided on what she's gonna feel towards him. But I still don't. The truth is much worse and even after he's gone, I still will not have decided. I just cry. My grief will be different. But for now, I'm grieving for my past.

I'm trapped and I'm drowning.

Sometimes I want to remember everything just so I have all the answers but since the truth is must worse... I don't know how this would affect my situation. Maybe it's better if I don't know the truth of what happened. The truth about him. Maybe I'll feel bad for him. Maybe I'll finally wish hell upon him. But I know, his backstory will never excuse him for being abusive. It will never be his free way ticket. It will not be the reason he will be forgiven. If that.

All I can do is cry, just like I did that night. But now I miss my sister. Now I'm alone. Away from him. But she's the one gone. And I'm alone. She's not here to protect me from these memories. She's not here to tell me the truth. The truth of what actually happened that night. Now I'm feeling loss and lost, without her.

My past has trapped me even if more than half of the truth is unknown. And in the back of the car I cry. Closing my eyes just to try and block it out. But it doesn't work. I can't fight this. I cannot fight this battle. It is endless torture. I need to forget this whole incident. And the rest of them.

I'm trapped and I've drowned.

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Hope y'all liked it <3