Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

4- force(d) quit

The only thing I've ever wanted was to disappear, to stop existing, to run away so far somewhere and be alone. But to think about it, that's the least thing I ever wanted. What I really want is to be loved, to never have the reason to feel the dark void, the voice that tells me to run and disappear.

One thing no one knows about me is that I run away. I find myself always running. Whether it is from school, or events, or anything. The pressure I start to feel is unbearable, the anxiety is like a painful sword, my lungs stop working and I stop breathing, I don't try to fight it. I choose to suffocate so I tell any believable excuse and disappear.

And I run, I run so fast until my legs find their way to the destination and make me stop. I always thought the bridge was where I was really vulnerable and myself.. but turned out it wasn't. As much as I love Tara, now the thought of us being in hell.. sickens me. She knows me, so therefore she hates me.

I need to be somewhere where I'm not known to anybody. Where I am not known as the villain. My feet always run to the cemetery. That's a secret I never try to utter out. The only thing that gets me anxious about being seen here is that I don't have any relatives, I have no one in this cemetery. So I sit on the bench and start to inhale and exhale and my lungs are filled again with oxygen.

What I used to do was go around, check the deceased names and make out their ages by the two years displayed on the tomb, but one thing bothers me is that the tomb stones never tell the story of the dead. I want to know about their stories and who they really were. But since I can't get much of it I just sit down.

Other times I bring use my phone and write on my notes app my thoughts and feelings, but as obvious as it is I'm incapable of tolerating my own dark emotions. I can't handle them. So I stop.

I've always wondered why here, I mean why not the bridge? I have no memory here, and that's when it hits me, that's why. And from the billion of times Tara took her heart back and from all the other times I willingly gave her her heart back, being alive doesn't feel like it anymore. I've felt like I was dying for the longest time, so being with the dead brings me sort of comfort, it reminds me where I belong. I feel like myself here, I feel like I fit in here, and I'm just as deceased as any of them are.

I kept doing it, it was a habit I never planned to stop. But people have started to notice that I'm disappearing and well the school told me next time they'll call the cops. I can't let that happen, now can I?

So when it got so hard, when I couldn't run anymore, I closed myself in the tiny toilet, letting silent tears fall. Another secret is after what happened I always carried with me is a sharp blade that I took from a pencil sharpener.

Grabbing it and holding it in my palm while I slide up my sleeves, crying for what I have to do one more time. My hand slowly reaches my arm and I place the blade on it. I close my eyes and I make a cut. The first ones always hurt, so I was careful not to deepen it. But barely any blood came out so I place it again and force it deeper and finally feel blood facing it's way out. I don't even know if it's possible to see if I ever cut since I heal so fast, the old ones are gone. And this one will be gone too. And this frustrates me, I want the wound, but the wound doesn't want me.

Just like everything else.

For this moment, I beg for all of this to be just a nightmare. I beg to die in here. I beg to have never existed.

What I really hate is how people say that suicidal people are selfish. Isn't it selfish how you force people to live in this hellhole because YOU want them to so you won't feel troubled? NOT because you want them happy? It's NOT about you. That's what people don't understand. Non suicidal people are the real selfish people who really want to control and suffocate the suicidal ones. It's never "because you deserve happiness" it's "because we don't don't want to be questioned by the cops" or "I don't want to be the centre of attention after your death" or the extremely sugar coated one "because I love you" and whatever crap they make up. Honestly there's no love in here. It's not about your love. It's about my happiness. Plus where's your love? I feel death before death has touched me. You don't love. My existence is just for your own benefit. They turn it around and make it about them. And honestly this just makes us wanna get it over with faster.

As I let my tears out I cut a few more times on both arm. When get up and I wash my blood away I can see how the new ones have taken the olds ones place and slowly sit back down knowing this session isn't over yet. And as I go to the other arm and switch hands to do the work I murmur "physical pain silences emotional pain" as if it's a mantra. I continue with this process until there's no more space on either one of my arms. I'm so lightheaded from the all crying and the blood I lost, and I've probably infected myself from the dirty blade.

I get up again to wash my arms and the blade and notice how the blade is starting to take the color of my dirty blood. I stare at the mess I've done, I stare at the mess that I am. My tears still falling but less than before which is a perfect timing because it's time to go outside and go through all of this again.

I wipe my tears multiple times until this session has stopped. I stand there leaning on the sink for a few minutes until I hear the bell ringing which is a sign of my next class. I wait until everyone's gone and I slowly silently step out and head for my next class.

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Hope y'all liked it <3