Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

6- paralysis

I don't know how to start with this. I try to think about it, to understand it, even remember everything about it, but it seems impossible. The only thing I remember is the feeling. I might as well call it sleep paralysis.

I'm trying to type this in my notes app, and in my deleted file there's so many abandoned notes about this same issue. Tara's nightmares, I get them, I totally understand them. Even the night terrors. But this is completely different.

It doesn't always happen cause of course I have alternative of suffering options, although I'm not the one who chooses between them. But it does happen quite often and I'm always just as traumatized when I wake up, even though I'm kind of used to it now.

So, just as always, I lay down to sleep. But I can't wake up. The whole sleeping period is scary. First, I feel intense shoulder pain all around. After that it escalates to me becoming paralyzed. I cannot move. But I wish it was only that. My mind knows all too well what is happening and at that moment I wouldn't say that I'm technically asleep since I can tell exactly what's happening. But my body isn't connecting to my mind. Intense pain grows to paralysis.

Next stage is the feeling that I'm strangled, both arms and legs, and that is the reason I feel like I cannot move. I try to free myself by moving them but nothing happens. I'm stuck there but exactly after that I feel like my truck seats that I'm laying on are dragging me under. I feel like I'm going down. It's pulling me into deep.

I don't know if all that is caused by a nightmare since my brain was fully awake. I do not not know what to make out of this. I don't understand why it happens. My mind goes into a million reasons but comes back with no result. It doesn't really link to anything. Some might say it a PTSD of when Tara dragged me into hell, but while falling I didn't feel strangled in the same way. I don't feel strangled by anyone, just strangled.

I'm imprisoned in this state and I can't even breathe because I'm too busy trying to survive this. This terrifies me more than Tara and it's definitely a secret I'll never let out.

Letting out one heavy breath is the way I wake up each time. I would not call that a cure. I immediately sit up trying to calm down from this horrible experience my breath still as bad, but what's annoying is that I don't know what makes me wake up. Is there a pattern?

It's like my body has decided to sit up straight with wide eyes and a heavy breath while my soul gets freed from this prison. I can finally move my body and I finally don't feel stuck there.

Is it part of my punishment for everything I've done? What happens when I'm imprisoned in there? Am I alone? I can't even scream. I can't call for help. My body won't let me. Everything in me is imprisoned, not just my limbs. My mind though, that's the one screaming, and my heart racing. And there's no point of fighting against it.

I can't make out where I am. I can't see how I'm strangled. I try to lean my head sometimes to catch a glimpse but it hurts a lot. And while it is pulling me down it is like I'm six feet under.

My heart in this situation doesn't need to be ripped out by anyone. This scenario is enough. Because when either me or Tara rips it out I know I'll wake up again. But with this, I don't know when or if I'll wake up. What should happen in order for me to wake up? Because it keeps pulling me under in this complete darkening silence, there's no end.

Plus, I can't claw my heart out, my arms are strangled, so it won't trigger a night terror.

So why does my body wake up? Is it an endless torture? Just to punish me? Do other people whom have done mistakes go through this too? Because they're so easily forgiven and loved. Will this stop when and if I'm loved?

If I remember correctly I've done a pretty good amount of good deeds too. Shouldn't I get rewarded for the good things I've done? Or is that not counted? Erased? It is completely erased from this universe and from everybody's memory.

My headache zones me out from this session. I stop typing and see how much I've typed on this page and I come to a conclusion that I've never reflected on this subject this deep for this long in one sitting. But only thinking about this matter has made me forget my other worries which is making me feel slightly relieved to say the least.

I drive to a local store and park from behind, I connect my wifi and decide to watch something. I thought this could be another technique that could help distract myself. I put on the show Friends and start watching.

I enjoy this show so much but it reminds me first my loneliness. It's something I know I'll never have. But I choose to ignore my feelings and laugh at their jokes as if I'm one of the group.

After a few hours of watching I realize I've fallen asleep, I only know that because I woke up from the darkness, the prison, the screaming silence and my body and soul once more freed with intense shoulder pain. I lean back on the seat as I've done a million times and notice just how tired I am. And I have to comfort myself. But I'm so tired and I'm so alone and very very unloved.

I lean my head on the side and let my feelings out. I wonder which one is worse, this sleep paralysis or Tara and the night terrors? Or that neither one of them has killed me yet?

Why do I keep surviving?

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Hope y'all liked it <3