Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

13- loss

We were soulmates, we both knew that. We knew that so much that we always felt our hearts beating as one. Our souls clinged to each other so much. We meant so much to each other that just by the thought of one another healed us completely from whatever inner chaos we were in.

But we don't know why that didn't last. Something that I'll never get over. I try, but I just- I can't. I want to, but my soul clinges to theirs no matter how angry I am at them, it still feels they have me in the palm of their hands. That no matter what they choose to do will affect me hugely.

I'm so angry, so upset, so heart-broken, so.. everything. I'm too vulnerable and weak. That is because they have been my weakness for forever now. I mean, just the thought of them can heal me? Talk about weakness. But now it also makes me feel a lot of other feelings that I'd rather not think about.

I try to avoid the thought of them for as long as I can. I keep me occupied with whatever I have, mainly with the pack since I don't have much else. But no matter what it will catch me, it will hit me, I'm weeping for their absence, craving for their presence. Craving for them to have never left me. Craving for them to have never met me. Craving for every song not to remind me of them. I'm craving to listen to songs without imagining about us. Why can't it be more? Why can't it be nothing at all? I'm weeping.

What breaks my heart even more is that we are on the slight thin thread. I do see them sometimes, we have each other's social medias and all, and that breaks me. I do get notifications. And how wouldn't that break me? I don't have my soulmate anymore but no matter what I get reminded of them. We are on this last thin thread and I'm weeping- I'm breaking.

Why am I supposed to see them and maintain my inner peace at the same time? And they look so happy.. it looks good on them, but I keep wondering; are they truly that happy without me? Are they not hurt? Do I not mean anything to them anymore? Was it just an illusion? They don't need me anymore. They don't want me. Regardless of what we had. Although everything in me is telling me that everything was real. I knew it was.

Many times I've been gathering all my willpower to delete their number and remove them from every app in my phone so I can finally move on, but I can't bring myself to do that. I cannot officially lose them. This last thin thread is both keeping me alive and killing me.

I can't stop thinking about them, and what we could have been if they never left. I can't stop breaking when I listen to songs, when I think about our history. I've never loved anyone like I loved my soulmate. Quite frankly, they were the only person I ever needed. I was happy.

I've heard this quote that says "soulmates will alway find their way back to each other" but if they're soulmates then why do they lose each other in the middle of the way? Were they really not soulmates?

I also know the quote that says "life will teach you to live without your favorite person" which is starting to make some sense while it's giving me the answer that I won't get my favorite person back only because I love them.

How do I un-love them to gain them back? How do I stop needing them? Because I heard when you stop needing someone it is when they show up and want to be apart or your life again. Putting aside how ironic it is.

And although I know how low it is to just let someone back as if they didn't cause any pain. It's not that they're magically forgiven. I cannot let anyone back in like that, they don't get to decide when to come and go and walk all over me.

But with this person, I have no pride. It is terrifyingly true. I'll welcome them back with open arms having full expectations that I'll be left behind again.

Why did I need to have this bond with someone with such minimal interest in staying in my life? I mean, I wish I had this with others, but when I try to feel things for others and give them chances I magically can't. It feels wrong.

There's this part of me that no one knows. The reason nobody knows is because of what I said above. I cannot feel it for others. So, I do not surround myself with others. And just like this no one will ever know.

I envy anyone with no soulmate. It must be good to be free from all this pain. Of course it was happy from the start but even soulmates leave you behind apparently. They will leave you with memories and misery. And for my part, I have enough of that.

I wish I didn't have one. But if I'm wishing for things I wish my soulmate never left me. I wish for the quotes not to be true. I wish for them to want me back one day. I wish we never threw what we had away. And it makes me angry at times, but my love for them doesn't include such negative feelings about them so I try to make excuses for them instead, for their actions and their absence.

But oh how unhealthy it is when these excuses are made while I see them smile with other people. Anger fills me up, for one second, and after this second I'm filled with loss, sadness, misery, pain, tragedy, loneliness, weakness, frustration, tears, and the list goes on.

How can I ever trust again? If my soulmate can leave so will everyone else. People are only about broken promises.

I've lost my other half, and now I'm incomplete.

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Hope y'all liked it <3