Pick Me Up - Theo Raeken

17- unfocused realism

Over the past few months.. something has been happening and I don't know how to explain it rather than being brought to life from my unfocused realism.

My reality is a very shitty one and every time I zone out I go back there. My breathing doesn't just becomes unsteady but I completely hold my breathe. I stare in space and I can't break this moment. I am not sure what happens, what is happening around me, or how I must look like. I can't help it though, when it happens, I'm condemned to follow along, make it my home, make it my comfort zone. A very uncomfortable home. An unbearable comfort zone. But this has been happening for years.

But what is new is that I'm being brought back to reality. This moment breaks. And I am not sure if the person who brings me back knows what he is doing.

But every time he touches me time freezes to give me a chance to be brought back, to unfocus this zone of mine. To come back to reality. And all of a sudden I'm calm. My body does not feel like shaking, although I am not sure if it even was shaking. I can't recall anything. All I can do is focus on how my body responds to the touch. How I am being brought back to reality. How I can breathe once again. How my leg stops from bouncing on the floor repeatedly. How my body is calm. How every thought in my head disappears. How I am being anchored.

This has happened many times already. Almost way too often. Almost any other day. Almost repeatedly. Almost as if I need to be saved. Almost as if I need that person with me everywhere and not just during pack meetings.

Last time I met him was during a pack meeting, over three days ago. And since then I have not been calm. I have noticed my state is so unstable without this touch. I have no control and I need my anchor. So I try to remember how it felt like. To relive the moment.

It was Friday evening when we were called to the meeting. I remember being annoyed and so not in the mood to socialize and surround myself with people who want me six feet under. But since I convinced them I am trying to redeem myself they are trying to give me a chance to prove to them that. But I still don't feel safe. I feel any minute anyone can lose self control and kill me. Which is a reason why I hold my breath. Otherwise my breath would be so unsteady they would think I'd be having a seizure. Another reason is the bad news they always bring about the hunters or new supernatural villains. I have been feeling like this since I wanted to redeem myself. I started to fear for my life even more. I started feeling scared to have my life ripped away from me like this. I feel like I am becoming more of a human every day. I am not sure how to feel about that though.

And I shake, I think. My let bounces uncontrollably and I hold my breath. Whether there's news or not, whether I'm standing beside someone who hates me or not. My mind always tells me there's something to worry about. And I believe. And my anxiety takes over. I feel it all over my body.

But then suddenly I feel someone grabbing and holding my hand. Or touching me from the back of my hand without technically holding it. Or holding me by my wrist or even touching my knee when it's too uncontrollable to make it stop.

He doesn't seem to care what others think of that, and they must have moved past it by now.

Sometimes I don't know if I automatically calm down by his touch of if he takes some part of my anxiety to help reduce the feeling and make it end faster. But when he does his thing I am in a shocked state of how easily he does it.

Some times I've caught his veins turn dark blue whilst touching me even very slightly. That is how I know he takes some of my pain. When I'm in this shocked state I don't exactly feel anything. Everything is numb. Just like my thoughts. I used to pull my hand away from his grip when he takes my pain because it makes me feel uncomfortable especially in front of everyone, as if it's something usual, something normal, something to be nonchalant about. I freak out and remove it.

But after taking my time to notice that they don't really care I have started to let it happen too. Or remove it after a few seconds and not immediately. Or not at all. Because at some point it has become my comfort zone. It made me feel safe around them all, around supernatural threats. I feel safe when he holds my hand.

Sometimes I don't look at him at all when he helps me. Trying to act nonchalant about it as well. But I am sure he listens to my heartbeat and catches my chemosignals. I can't hide it from him. He knows how I feel when he helps me. He knows he is saving me. I just don't know to which depth he knows it. How much he knows about it.

I know last time I held his hand too. I held his hand tightly and didn't let go. I didn't want to. And I want him to know about what he truly does, to it's full depth. Maybe he knows. He doesn't just help me stop shaking. He brings me back. I breathe once again. He brings me to being self conscious and aware of my surrounds. He gets me to stop shaking. The bouncing becomes just standing. My mind is blank. My heartbeat calm and steady. My chemosignals don't scream for help. And my inner self knows, I am with my anchor.

But now I am back in my unfocused realism. And I am not sure what's real anymore.

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guys pls don't sexualize "the touch" I wrote about in this one. It's as innocent and safe as a flower!

Hope y'all liked it <3