Spill Me

My VeLlEiTy

I found the right meaning for this word in my life......Here's my definition:

Sometimes I just want to cry, cry real hard and let everything sink in. But whenever I try so, it's like my heart took an unbearable promise to itself that it'll never break for anything or anyone and that sucks. Cause all I want to do is feel those tears soak my cheeks and drain my nose and blur my eyes, nothing more....yet this constant awareness of my action centres me as a needy person and my mind is fixed to not be one though I do know it's fine to be like that for once at least. So, it's not like I'm an all-day sunshine and rainbows person. I do have my breakdowns but now I fear it's invisible to me also... This internal work was something I created myself and trained for and I do know it's cruel to me now that I want it to change all upside down and feel as human again. I was too focused on controlling my emotions and keeping them buried while I lost sight of healing is a part of letting those emotions flow on their own while I shall wait till it's done.

The rush of emotions intrigued me indeed but remained a velleity.

"How else have I made my feelings stone-cold to not let myself melt for the burns" I do feel it, feel it really deep in me, it's so dense and heavy but it never rains, how weird of a cloud it may be right? I wanted to see what an ice rain would look like but will I be able to handle the hit when it happens to me, I wonder... I do know the water is intoxicating cause I see myself pouring the very condensed negative solution from a third-person perspective and it hurts how I couldn't stop my own hands from doing so.  As I see it collide and dilute in one another, I felt a fist clench my heart to it feels like splattering, though I can't help but mask the agony with a smile cause I chose to do this to me... I shall see myself slowly die and integrate into the soil I begin from.

A/N: today feels a little more extreme than other days, innit?