Spill Me

You Didn't Know.....

This is so abrupt, I know. For some reason, I couldn't help but finally talk about it. I know you will read this and you're the only one who always reads them with no sense of judgment. The way you indulge those complexities all yourself. For me to have finally known your state, it felt like I was in your shoes. We use this phrase in many situations but to actually be is unimaginable. The way my heart clenched and I was aware of my throat closing up at the thought of someone I loved leaving forever, I thought I was about to pass out. It's funny how a human's heart works according to our feelings too, rather than pumping just blood, it chose to pump some love and grief together, hand in hand. One could never put into words how odd their stomach churns at the thought of someone or how the heart skips more than just one beat when they reencounter them. The effect will remain, without permission, you'll receive floods of memories, the ones that you wish you'd forget, and not to say the sense of nostalgic love that lingers, it never vanishes but only stays under the shadow.

For once, I'll be honest with you.

I wished we were more than what we are even though I refused it. I know it wouldn't last long, I know I'll never be able to stay a little longer than we wish. It was during that time I came to the realization of your effort and what you had for me. I never thought anyone would've ever done that for me. Your choices of words, those words have more to them than just to be read and I doubt most of the time if I'm one to deserve it. You're a perfectionist and for you to like someone clumsy and careless of life baffled the soul off of me. Every word that escaped from your mouth holds a lot of emotions for me, it could be a yes or no but that affects my emotions because if it was from someone else I would've shrugged it off but for some reason when it comes from you, it's bold and pure that it means so much to me. Often to say, the way we talk in a tone affects my mood and I know it only happens with someone special. Moreover, I have to say about those rare smiles you give, the smile you don't give away that easily, and when you do smile when we are talking, it's almost like it's only for me that I have to admit the speck of greediness built in me to have it all for me. If anyone asks for the rarest flower, it'd tell your smile. The kind not everyone gets to encounter and for me to have, I feel special. Well, it's you that's special, special to me, my lavender. I always address you by your fictional name but this is what comes to my mind every time I see you, lavender~.

Dear Lavender,

By telling all this, I know it will not change anything. I want you to go on with your life without me, it's the best for both of us. Though at times, I do wish we made it at least in another universe or I wish to be lucky enough to end up with you in my next life, just us and no intervention, where this no longer is a forbidden love but something we can endeavor without any thoughts and where I'll be able to express to you without caring the consequences.....

In our next life...... I want us to be able to recognize each other as our eyes meet. Then, I wouldn't want to think of 'what if's and just go after you. My lavender, I will never get to say this to you directly cause I know how it'll make you feel. So, just think of me as a coward that rambles about all the could have's and why they didn't yet how wished it to be.

It took me this long to finally let you know this...... the last year when we part ways, I chose now for you to know this just as a note so there'll be no meddling in your current life. I wish you to meet someone who'll make you smile and laugh like you never did before, I really hope you do.

A/N: Did I tell you I sneaked the letter you wrote about me during the drama competition? sadd...i was only able to take one.... it's still with me and will forever be with me. (heheheh I can only imagine your expression now knowing it, being who you are, I'm waiting for your confrontation lmaoo)