End Of Passion Play - {James Hetfield/Metallica}

Prologue

Late September 1987

Life was different now, and my only motivation to live was that I was going to have a child. I had become numb to sadness, because what I felt was beyond sadness. It was emptiness.

On a late friday night in September, I was heavily pregnant, my toes were fucking bloated and I felt gross. It was the night I was actually going to do it.

I'd been contemplating suicide on and off. If I hadn't been pregnant, I probably would have actually done it. Despite having a small but strong support cirlce of close friends, I was lost. Since Cliff had died, I had just felt lost.

I stood in my kitchen, a metal fork in my hand, looking at an electrical outlet. It would be so easy I thought. All I have to do is stick the fork in there and I'll be fried to death.

I awkwardly kneeled down on the floor. No, Sarah, you wouldn't actually do it, would you? I asked myself. It doesn't matter if you die, but you'll kill your baby. And you're so close now, maybe hours away from labour.

"Jesus christ." I whispered under my breath, my heart thumping quickly in my chest. I didn't trust myself anymore. I'll get to be with Cliff, and if he's nowhere, then I'll be nowhere, too.

I felt a tear escape my eye. Was this really what I'd become? Suicidal? Unable to trust own self with my life?

The doorbell rang and scared the shit out of me. I screamed, dropping the fork on the floor.

"Oh my god. Who the fuck is that?" I muttered, standing up. I went to the door and opened it, and Kirk was standing on my step.

"Oh, hey." I said, a smile instantly forming on my face as I pulled him into a hug. "What are you doing here?".

"I know how close you are to labour, and I don't want you to be alone." he told me. "And I wanted to make sure you're okay... or, at least getting by.".

I let go of him. "Yeah, I'm getting by." I sighed, brushing off his concern. "Why don't you want me to be alone, though? I mean, I think I can manage on my own.".

"Who's gonna drive you?".

I sighed. "Yeah, good point. But it might not happen for a while, and I don't wanna intrude on you and Becky." I told him.

He shook his head. "No, you're not intruding on us. And Sarah, you're always welcome at our house. I mean, you're basically like a sister to me; you know that.".

"Aww, thanks." I smiled.
"Let me get a couple things, then we can go. Here, come in.".

I went into my bedroom and took my suitcase out of the closet. I set it down on my bed, suddenly feeling really stressed. I frantically threw my stuff into my suitcase, starting to sweat. I felt so rushed and stressed; it was so weird.

But I'd been getting that feeling since I'd got pregnant, and I suspected that Cliff's death also had a lot to do with it.

I took my front suitcase into the living room and got on my jacket. Kirk was sitting on the couch, playing my bass. Well, it used to be Cliff's bass.

He looked up at me and smiled. "Have you learned all of Orion yet?" he asked me.

I sighed and shook my head. "No, not yet. Hey, think you could put that in the case for me and bring it out to the car?" I asked.

"Sure.".

Me and Kirk got into his car. Panama by Van Halen was playing on the radio as we drove off into the dark night.

I sighed and looked out the window at the stars way up above us, lightyears away.
                                ***

A few nights later, I was asleep in the bed in Kirk’s spare room. I woke up, the red numbers on the little alarm clock reading 3:30. I turned onto my left side, thinking that I’d just fall back asleep by changing my position. I closed my eyes again, but seconds later I felt water gush out in between my legs.