End Of Passion Play - {James Hetfield/Metallica}

Chapter 24 | Numb the Pain

"'Cause everyone you love goes away in the end, unless you leave them first.".

I poured whiskey into the glass, making a half and half. But it wasn't really a half and half, because only about a quarter of it ended up being Coke.

I sat down on the island, alone in the dark kitchen. Alone; except for a picture of Cliff and a candle burning.

"Cliff, I don't know if you can hear me. But if you can, I want you to know that I love you." I said. I let out a long sigh, resting my chin on my knuckles and taking a sip of whiskey. "Sometimes I wish it would've been me who had died instead of you.".

I stared down at the picture of Cliff, taken a little over a year before he died. He was so much better than me. Not just on bass, but in every aspect.

"You didn't deserve it." I whispered, a lump in my throat. I took a long sip of my whiskey and looked out the window, a few stars shining brightly above the city.

A hazy memory of me exiting the building after hooking up with Cliff for the first time ran through my memory. The memory of stepping out under the stars into the hot summer night, still drunk off the sex we had, a ridiculous smile probably on my face. I still remembered the feeling I was left with when I got into the taxi that night.

I felt my breath hitch in my throat, and a tear trail down my cheek. I took a long sip of my whiskey, knowing it wasn't long before I'd break down in tears.

"I don't want to be around any more. I'm afraid of fucking up Blair's life." I whispered. Letting out a long sigh, I looked back down at the picture of Cliff. "I wish you would've got to meet her. I always hoped she'd turn into you, but… now I'm afraid she'll turn into me". I bit my lower lip and let out a weak laugh. "You would've loved this house. I know you always wanted to live up here… up here in Skye Hill… when Metallica got big.".

I wiped my eyes, the dull aroma of the candle wafting up to my nostrils. "But now… now we ARE big, a-and… you're… you're not around to see it!" I said, bringing my hands up to my face to muffle my sobs.

After composing myself enough to actually get up out of my seat, I blew out the candle and headed to the bedroom. Trying to be as quiet as I could, I slipped off my clothes and got into bed beside James. I felt his hand snake around my waist, and I drifted out of conciousness.

***

I stood outside, looking over the city below. I felt light as air.

"Sarah!".

I turned around to see Cliff was with me. "Oh my god, Cliff!" I cried, holding onto him tight. "Never let me go.".

I don't know how long we stayed like that, in each other's arms. It felt like time was passing was faster than usual.

"Be careful." he told me.

I pulled back a bit to look up at him. "I'm so tired of hearing that!" I shouted. A silence fell between us, and I immidiately felt guilty. "I'm sorry, I just... it's my fucking life, you know?".

"I know. I love you. Be careful.".

And those were the last words I heard before I woke up.

***

I took a sip of my diet Coke, feeling somewhat guilty. It actually had whiskey in it, although I didn't tell James, Kirk or Lars.

"You guys, I have awesome news!" James said as we stood around the island in the kitchen, eating pizza.

"What?" Lars asked.

"We're invited to woodstock!".

James, Kirk, and Lars all high- fived each other. But, hearing we were going to woodstock only made me upset.