Never in a Million Years |N.R|

|5| Just leave me.

I didn't move an inch, my face still pressed against the cold, hard floor from my fall. As uncomfortable as it was, offering no relief to my aching body, it made me feel safe. As I squeezed my eyes shut I just imagined that I was back at that place, my true home, the place that made me, and I could breathe again. At least there I knew my place and I had a purpose. Here I was nothing, I was simply the fuel to feed the Avengers hatred for HYDRA. I was the scapegoat, and I didn't doubt for a second that they'd make me pay on behalf of every member of my organisation and their crimes. If only they'd realise that I paid for them everyday, that I wasn't a member of HYDRA but instead one of their victims. The only difference was that I hadn't slipped through the web, I'd held on for dear life in hopes something brighter would come my way. But the truth was, darkness was the only thing to come.

My eyes shot open again when someone roughly pushed me onto my back with their foot. Looking up I quickly recognised the face, one taught with anger, Clint Barton. Self appointed guardian of Natasha it seemed, and my number one enemy and punisher. "Don't you dare go near her again" he spat, his voice bitter and uncontrolled as he failed to tame his emotions. He only seemed to get more furious when I offered no reply, instead dropping my gaze to stare at the floor behind his feet. Now he crouched before me, pushing one of his knees into my stomach so that I was pinned to the floor by most of his weight. "If you so much as look at her I'll make you pay. You're nothing more than a HYDRA mutt, and we all know that your mission is to end the Avengers. You're a killer, a monster and I won't let you forget that. Ever." With that he sunk his knee further into my stomach to really prove his point before standing to his feet and leaving.

My stomach was tender, but the pain felt distant, like it had been numbed. My mind was overcome by his words, like his spiteful description of me had woken something up inside. I'd lost sight of my mission, to take down my targets no matter the cost. That was always my purpose and Clint's words had awoken me, like a switch had gone off in my head. I could feel myself sinking further and further into the darkness, although I tried my best to claw my way out. No I couldn't, I couldn't give into this now.

"No, no, no" I repeated over and over, putting my fingers in my ears to block out the voices whilst banging it against the ground. It needed to stop, the taunting needed to end before my mind exploded. But the more I fought the louder it grew, as it now felt like someone was screaming in my face. What once was darkness behind my eyelids was now filled with flashes of memories, those that haunted my nightmares every time I tried to sleep. Staying awake used to keep me safe from them, I could keep them at bay so long as I didn't allow myself to drift off of a night.

Eventually it all became too much, the shouting of this voice was deafening and my own thoughts were beginning to swell beyond control. In an instant I brought my head down hard, too hard, because the second it hit the ground I was plunged into an unbroken darkness. Finally, I was free of the world for just a while. In reality I'd knocked myself out, but for me I'd just silenced the monsters that wrecked me from within. The monsters that forced me to do such things in order to keep them under wraps, to stop me from giving in to their demands and wreaking pain upon those around me. I deserved the pain, deserved the punishment, but they didn't. At least, some of them didn't.

(-)

When I woke up my room was dark, just a low light being cast across my face through the small window in the door. My head was pounding, but I was glad that all I heard was silence, mixed with the odd sounds of footsteps outside although they were barely noticeable. Unable to get up off of the cold floor I instead pulled a blanket off of the bed and nestled it beneath my head. This allowed me to fall asleep again, although I slipped into it a little more peacefully this time.

(-)

Someone kicked my foot rather roughly in the morning. I jolted awake and winced at the sudden movement, although I still retreated from the figure as my eyes slowly adjusted. "Here's your food." The guard basically dropped the tray on the ground, food spilling out onto the floor, not that I minded since I didn't intend to eat it anyway. The mere thought of consuming even a mouthful made my stomach flip. I flinched at the slam of my cell door, now hugging my knees to my chest as I shivered uncontrollably. Maybe sleeping on the floor wasn't a good idea, especially with my wounds still far from fully healed.