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IT'S HARD to comprehend that another human being feels the way that I do. Leilani, she shares some of the same mindsets as I do. The way that when she feels threatened, she reacts with violence. She goes to war for who she loves, hurting, or even worse, killing anyone who hurts someone she loves.
The day that killed Custer, I saw a side of her that I never thought existed. She went to war, not for Alex, not for Fez, for me. That's what surprised me the most about her, she killed someone she didn't even know simply because I was going to get in trouble.
She barely knew me for three months, and she murdered someone in cold blood so I was protected. I'm glad she killed him, because I was going to. I was going to make sure that stupid fuck suffered in more ways than one if she hadn't of stepped in.
I know a lot of people think I'm just the dumb sixteen year old who sits on the side, dealing drugs and keeping quiet. They don't know shit, because I'm much more than a "dumb kid". I don't speak a lot, and that's okay. What do I need to speak for? You let people into your life and they fuck you over.
I often find myself noticing things. I notice small things, shit that other people would never see. One thing I did notice, was how Leilani's leg was bouncing the other day. That never happened before the shoot out, and I know that it affected her.
When she got confused about something, a small crease would form in between her eyebrows. When she got really focused doing something, she would stick her tongue out the corner of her mouth, or chew on the inside of her cheek.
God Ash you sound like a fucking loser.
Snap out of it.
Leilani isn't a normal girl, I can see that. She's different, not in a like "oh pick me I'm so short and small!🥺" way, but more of a sophisticated and lively way. She doesn't follow the rules, she makes her own rules. She doesn't think like other people, and I can see that loud and clear as I sit in her passenger seat as she hangs out the window, ordering a shit ton of food she's not gonna eat.
Fez and I disappeared for two months because all the heat was on us, and I can tell she missed me. She hasn't let me out of her sights since we got back to East Highland. She even made me sleep on her floor last night because she didn't want to be alone.
I don't wanna be alone either though. I'm fucking terrified of my mind when I'm alone, the shit I think of would put me in a psych ward. Not that there's anything wrong with psych wards, I just think I'm severely fucked in the head.
Often, I find myself thinking of what it would be like to have that red dot pointed at my head instead of her. She was scared, and I could see that when she made those short few seconds of eye contact with me while she cried out about telling Alo she was sorry.
