Percy Jackson and the Department of Mysteries

56) Fifty Shades of Pink

I looked at the board for a moment, and noticed the rest of the class doing the same. Using defensive spells really wasn't one of the course aims.

"Using defensive spells?" Umbridge gave a short laugh. "Why, I can't imagine any situation arising in my classroom that would require you to use a defensive spell, Miss Granger. You surely aren't expecting to be attacked during class?"

"You definitely have never been here before," I muttered. "We get attacked all the time."

"We're not going to use magic?" Ron ejaculated loudly (Rowling's words, not mine).

"Students raise their hands when they wish to speak in my class, Mr —?"

"Weasley," Ron's hand shot into the air.

She smiled as she turned her back on him.

Harry and Hermione raised their hands as well, and after a moment of thought, I stuck mine up there with theirs. Umbridge's eyes lingered on me for a long moment, then on Harry. She turned to Hermione, "Yes, Miss Granger? You wanted to ask something else?"

"Yes," Hermione said. "Surely the whole point of Defense Against the Dark Arts is to practice defensive spells?"

"Are you a Ministry-trained education expert, Miss Granger?" Umbridge's voice was falsely sweet.

"No, but —"

"Well then, I'm afraid you are not qualified to decide what the 'whole point' of any class is. Wizards much older and cleverer than you have discovered our new program of study. You will be learning about defensive spells in a secure, risk-free way —"

"That's dumb," I said, my hand still raised lazily in the air. "If we need to use defensive spells, I'm pretty sure it won't be in a secure, risk-free —"

"Mr. Jackson, we will not use the d word in my classroom," Umbridge said stiffly.

"What? I didn't say dick."

Umbridge flushed as if she were reading Fifty Shades of Pink, "Mr. Jackson, we will not use that sort of language in my classroom."

I started cursing in Greek. Umbridge must have known what I was doing, because she waved her wand and a piece of tape slapped itself over my mouth. I raised my hands and started cursing in sign language.

Umbridge promptly turned away. She focused on a raised hand farther back in the room, "And your name is?" Her voice was breathy, shocked.

"Dean Thomas."

"Well, Mr. Thomas?"

"Well, it's like Percy said, isn't it?" Dean said. "If we're going to be attacked, it won't be risk-free —"

"I repeat," Umbridge smiled irritatingly at Dean, "do you expect to be attacked during my classes?"

"No, but —"

"I do not wish to criticize the way things have been done in this school," Umbridge interrupted, lying through her pointed teeth, "but you have been exposed to some very irresponsible wizards in this class, very irresponsible indeed — not to mention," she laughed nastily, "extremely dangerous half-breeds."

"If you mean Professor Lupin," Dean snapped, "he was the best we ever —"

"Hand, Mr. Thomas! As I was saying — you have been introduced to spells that have been complex, inappropriate to your age group, and potentially lethal. You have been frightened into believing that you are likely to meet Dark attacks every other day —"

"No we haven't," Hermione said, "we just —"

"Your hand is not up, Miss Granger!" Hermione raised her hand, but Umbridge turned away from her. "It is my understanding that my predecessor not only performed illegal curses in front of you, he actually performed them on you —"

"Well, he did turn out to be a maniac, didn't he?" I pointed out, rubbing my mouth where the tape had been before I'd ripped it off. "We did actually learn loads, though, so —"

"Your hand is not up, Mr. Jackson!" Umbridge crowed. "Now, it is the view of the Ministry that a theoretical knowledge will be more than sufficient to get you through your examination, which, after all, is what school is all about. And your name is?" She was staring at Draco, his hand freshly raised, and I knew she knew his name. It was in the surprise on her face.

"Draco Malfoy, and isn't there a practical bit in our Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L.? Aren't we supposed to show that we can actually do the countercurses and such?"

"As long as you have studied the theory hard enough, there is no reason why you should not be able to perform the spells under carefully controlled examination conditions," Umbridge said, staring at Draco for a long moment, who just stared back.

"Without ever practicing them before?" I banked off of what Draco had said, making sure my hand was in the air. "Are you telling us that the first time we'll get to do the spells will be during our exam?"

"I repeat, as long as you have studied the theory hard enough —"

"And what good's theory going to be in the real world?" Harry questioned loudly, his fist in the air.

I think that's when things went from mildly annoying to dreadful. Things usually happened that way when Harry's temper got the better of him.

I'm kind of tempted to read Fifty Shades of Gray. I want to know how bad it is. So our girls basketball team is going to state, and because of it, we didn't really do anything all day. Watched Anastasia in English (it makes sense to watch at least, we just finished stuff over the Russian Revolution), and finished our projects in Art. We played some weird game in History, and our Chemistry teacher wasn't here, so we went to the library and played Uno. In math we did Bingo as a review, and I just read in Journalism. We got an extra thirty minutes of lunch and had a pizza party. The best part? The pep rally. Once the cheerleaders came out, this guy announced that they got some people to help them cheer. Out came the boys basketball team, decked out in the smallest cheer uniforms they could find, except for one guy, who was in jeans and a jacket. They cheered very badly with the cheerleaders (who naturally weren't wearing the uniforms), and did this weird ritual. They ran in a circle around this one boy who was really getting into it, and it was great. Then, at the end of their performance, the guy in the jeans took his jacket off, revealing the smallest cheer uniform yet. The cheerleaders did a thing where they held him up and he got into it. I was very pleased. It was great.

Anyway, I hope you guys have had a cheery Friday, and I'll see you on Sunday CT. Love ya!