Chapter 24

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          I didn't know that to be true until the second I just thought it

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          I didn't know that to be true until the second I just thought it. I crave safety over love. My mother told me she loved me and she also was the person who walked out of the apartment while her drunk and coked out boyfriend strangled me half to death. I never felt safe in my home. I never even had a consistent home. Mom couldn't pay bills and we'd be evicted from places. We did a lot of couch surfing, but who the hell wants to host two junks and a kid. They didn't, and we'd be out on our asses again. 

I've lived in shelters from time to time and I hated them. People weren't nice there and you had to be in a room with so many others and you'd hear all types of things at night. I would be afraid to shut my eyes. Just like I am too afraid to shut them right now. I've spent my life afraid. 

Afraid of strangers touching me or my very few personal belongings in the overcrowded shelters, or in broken down apartments that we were living in where junkies of all kinds would come through the house all hours of the day and night.

        Humans were the creatures I feared then, but now it's other animals out here who might be hungry and looking for a snack. I'm helpless out here. Have I always been helpless? I exhaled a long shaky breath at the thought. I don't want to be afraid or helpless. I hated the idea of it. I clenched my fists tight and decided to shut my eyes to try and meditate again but at the first sound of shifting leaves they snapped open again, and that was it. I couldn't close them. 

The more my mind reeled with all these thoughts of Devran, being vulnerable out in this world and my last one, and everything else I began to cry. I felt silly for doing so but it all just came pouring out of me. I pushed out of the cross legged position and instead hugged my knees to my chest. "If there is a God or Goddess out there are you even listening?"

        I should feel ridiculous yelling that out to the moon in the sky but I felt it was taunting me being above head that way and just passing through the night like any other. What the hell was I doing here? My sadness turned to anger. My small fists grabbed at the dirt beneath me and I held it's soil tightly in my palms. Why is my life like this? 

If there is a Moon Goddess does she only guide wolves? Mate wolves in their beautiful bonds? Why did she include me in this at all? Why lead me here to Devran just so I could be rejected?! Was it that I was led to him at all? Fate, coincidence, or circumstance? I had no idea which it could be. 

My shitty life led to me running away from home. Running away from home led me to that mountain town where I was taken by that awful group of men. Being taken is what led me deep into this forest where Jasper's pack saved my life. Those wolves saving my life is what led me here to their community of people. And that's what led me to Devran. 

        I released the dirt that was in my palms and slapped the ground. "What's the point? Huh? Go ahead and talk to me" I mocked the air. When there was no reply, not even a rustle in the trees I released a frustrated shriek. I spent the rest of the night stewing in my emotions as the full moon passed over me and hid itself from me in the treelines. I don't know when it happened but eventually I laid my head on the ground and fell asleep. 

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