Finding Her

E I G H T

Love Hurts

V A L E R I U S '   P O V :

"You have to talk to me."

"I don't have to do anything."

Katerina hasn't moved for the past week. She won't even look at me.

Rosetta's funeral is today.

"We have to be out of the house in two hours. I won't let you punish yourself for missing her funeral. You're going."

She's quiet. Only the beating of my heart is reaching my ears.

I don't like seeing her like this. I can't stand it. It's hard to watch.

"I'm not ready." Her voice breaks.

"I know." I say. I want to touch her, to hold her and tell her it will all be okay. "I know." My voice breaks below a whisper.

• • •

The funeral home is beautifully decorated. Roses are in vases around the place, a soft melodic song plays on the speakers.

"It's beautiful." Katerina whispers from beside me.

I don't think she wants me to hear it but I do.

Katerina blames me for Rosetta's death. I know she does. She asked me again why I carry a gun and how I knew how to fight. I told her I can't explain it now. The truth is that I can't lose her now. I simply don't know how to be alone again.

Tears bellow in her eyes and I ask if she wants to take a break outside until she's ready and she instead she walks off, leaving me behind at the doorway. I ignore the dio in my stomach.

I contemplate leaving for her sake. Letting her grieve alone, but she shouldn't have to be alone. I know her parents are dead, she can't confide in them and she has no siblings. She only had Rosetta.

Maybe I should leave. So she can heal alone.

I go to leave but I catch the fiery eyes of Rosetta's husband, Tito. He stocks towards me, completely pissed.

His eyes are red, probably from crying or maybe drugs. His suit is unbuttoned. He looks anything but sane or stable.

I don't stop him when his fist slams hard down on my face. I could have stopped him but in someway, I feel like I deserve it.

"You bastard!" He shouts, slamming me into the wall behind us. I lick the blood off my lip. "You killed her. Kat told me what you did!"

My blank expression never goes away. Not even when he punches my gut.

"All—," he heaves a deep breath, trying to stop himself from breaking down in sobs. "All she wanted was to be a mamma." Tears drop onto his black button up dress-shirt. He shoves me again, hitting and pushing like a toddler throwing a tantrum. "You took away my son's mamma."

It's odd that both Katerina and Tito blame me for Rosetta's death. I chose to save Katerina over her and I'd do it all over again if I had to but.. I didn't pull that trigger. This is not my crime.

I still feel the guilt every night I hear Katerina wakes up in the middle of the night, sobbing.

"I'm going to fucking kill you!" Tito spits. He chokes on a sob.

"Tito—" I try.

He turns to Katerina who stands behind us. Her eyes flicker between us.

"Your parents are looking for you." Katerina tells him.

Tito silently turns to me, giving me a look of vengeance.

"Watch your back. I will kill you, I don't care how long it takes. That's a fucking promise."

• • •

"There's dinner on the counter."

"I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat, Katerina."

"And you need to tell me the fucking truth!"

I sigh, my head starting to ache. I'm tired of the same conversation.

"You need to let it go. It's not something you need to concern yourself with. I took self defense as a kid, okay? My papà is good with guns."

I bullshit a lie and she knows it.

Her hand comes in contact with my cheek for a hard slap. When she pulls away, I lick my dry lips and rub over my mouth, feeling utterly annoyed.

"Do you think I'm fucking stupid!? You're a liar! You've always been! What else have you been lying about?" She pushes me, anger taking over her features. "I bet you've been cheating too, ai? Taking my shit? Telling your friends I'm crazy!"

I step back.

"Katerina you sound crazy."

I've never cheated on her nor have I ever done anything by ill will to her. I love her. I just want her to stop thinking I'm pretending. I'd give my life for her.

"Oh don't fucking gaslight me!" She shouts, pushing and hitting me away in rage.

I grab her arms to hold her off of me. I don't feel like dealing with anymore bruises, they're obnoxious to look at.

"I have never done you any ill will, Katerina. I am painfully.. in love with you." I rasp below a whisper. I don't lie, it feels so painful to love someone like this. I don't think I completely understand it yet. "I would go to the end of this earth to make sure you are satisfied. You have a control over me and I don't know when it happened. Bellissima, you have me. All of me."

Silent tears stream down her cheeks, she breathes out shakily. Then she utters something I didn't want to hear.

"I don't know if we should get married."

Some things are hard to hear. Especially from those that mean something to you.

I wish I would have taken mind of the clear signs months ago.

There's something I heard someone say once. A quote I'll come to understand too many years later.

Some people are so desperate for love, that they become blind to what it truly means.

• • •