Finding Her

B O N U S

A Metaphor

V A L E R I U S ' P O V :

Five Months Ago

"Papà?"

My eyes flicker up and immediately dart right to Ellie. John has her hand in a hold. Ellie cradles her elephant stuffed animal in her one hand, chewing on her thumb while her other hand is in John's. Her eyes look sad.

"Ellie. Hello, baby." Just the sound of my voice makes Ellie crumble. She racks a sob through her chest and tears stream out of her eyes. "Oh my, come here." Ellie runs to me and I pull her into a tight embrace.

"Papà!" She cries. I put her in my lap and soothe her back by rubbing it.

I nod off John and he gives me a smile, exiting the room.

"What's wrong, piccolina?"

I rub circles along her back, holding her close to my chest for comfort. I reach for her stuffed animal that fell to the floor and place it back into her lap.

After Ellie calms down, she's able to hiccup out a few words. "Mamma is gone." She cries.

My eyebrows crease, panic slams at my heart. I already explained what happened to Katerina, Ellie already knows she's gone.

"I know." I coo. I place a kiss to the crown of her head. "I know."

"I see mamma."

My heart feels like it's stopping. Memories of my Katerina always seem to confuse me, I can never figure out how I feel.

"In your dreams?" I ask. "Sometimes I see her too."

I wipe the rest of the wetness off her cheeks. I brush her hair back to expose her face. I give her an attempted smile to lift her spirits. It doesn't work.

Maybe I shouldn't have told Ellie about Katerina. Maybe she's too young to understand.

"Mamma hurt. Mamma yells when I go to sleep!"

Her voice is staggered. She can barely make out her words through the sobs.

I don't know how to make it better. I don't know why she's crying or what she means. I want to fix it but I can't. Instead, I follow along so she doesn't feel so scared anymore.

"I promise mamma will never yell at you again. It's okay, Ellie." Ellie grabs ahold of my hand and squeezes tightly. I rock her gently, hoping she falls asleep and forgets about this.

After awhile, I think Ellie is asleep.

She sleeps in my arms but I don't even blink. My brain runs on overdrive.

All I can think about is my Katerina Watson.

Would she be the first and last woman ever to be in my life? Will Ellie ever get to have a mother figure?

• • •

The bell chimes as I walk through the door.