Red Vs Blue season 5 male oc

Strong Male Figure

Fade in on the Alien

Church: So this is it, Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Tucker: Uh, what do I do?

Will: It's your child.

Church: Why're you asking me?

Tucker: I don't know how to be a dad. This isn't the way I planned it.

Ava: You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

Tucker: No no, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal father-son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send cheques to some woman I hate.

Will: That sounds like a step father relationship.

Caboose: It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my Mom.

Church: Alright look, let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.

Tucker: Hey don't leave me here with him, what'm I s'posed to say?

Caboose: Ask him if he likes baseball.

Church: It's an alien baby, Caboose.

Caboose: Ask him if he likes T-ball.

Church: Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Ava: Plus he was born yesterday you were there.

Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Will: To bad Tucker.

Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people, so that they can seduce them, and then impregnate them. So, why don't you start with that? You know, common ground.

Tucker: Yeah I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Caboose: Tell him about how his dad got to third base with you.

Church: Caboose!

Will: Caboose Tucker never played bace ball.

Cut to outside the Red Base, now sans Sarge

Grif: So how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?

Alex: If he shouts I'd say an hour.

Simmons: Oxygen?

Grif: Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.

Simmons: Oh, you know, probably like three hours depending on his level of activity.

Grif: He's buried six feet underground. I don't think he's got much chance for activities.

Simmons: Well, I don't think you're an authority.

Alex: Neither are you.

Grif: Authority? We didn't even use a coffin, we just threw a buncha dirt on him.

Simmons: No; I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You three only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

Alex: I just wanted to watch you bury your father figure 

Grif: You know that trick?

Grif's Sister: I learned from the best!

Simmons: Well, as your new Commander you three gonna learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

Grif: You mean after we dig up Sarge.

Alex: Ya now I want him back.

Simmons: (drawing a shotgun) No I mean right now, Grif you to Alex.

Grif's Sister: What're girly laps?

Grif: Hey, Simmons? I don't think Sarge is gonna like you picking up his shotgun.

Simmons cocks the shotgun

Grif: And I really don't think he's gonna like you threatening me with it. ...Well okay, he might like that part.

Simmons: As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running, right now.

Alex: Wow the power went to your head fast.

Grif: But what about Sarge?

Simmons: You heard what Command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

Grif's Sister: Aspirin overdose.

Simmons: See, Sarge is dead of a- an aspirin overdose? Really?

Alex: Sarge never took aspirin.

Grif's Sister: I know! I didn't think it was possible. And trust me, I've tried.

Simmons: Yeah, wait- what?

Grif: Simmons, don't be stupid! He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt.

Alex: That you threw on him.

Simmons: If I say he's dead, he's dead. I'm the leader! Me! And being the leader means you have to make tough decisions. Like, just for talking back, you can't do girly laps.

Grif: You've gone blind with imaginary power, Simmons.

Simmons: Oh hoh hoh, on the contrary. I think I've gone blind with very real power.

Alex: Power that you didn't officially get.

Grif's Sister: Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps!?

Simmons: Both of you, shut up. You're running. I'm calling Red Command for confirmation.

Grif's Sister: Why're you calling Red Command?

Alex: Because it's our commander.

Simmons: For con-fir-ma-tion. Stop asking questions.

Grif's Sister: You keep talking about them. Why don't you call our guys?

Grif: "Our guys"?

Grif's Sister: Yeah, the Blue guys.

Alex: Son of a bitch were holding a blue captive.

Simmons: Excuse me, the whazzawha?

Grif's Sister: The Blue guys. The guys that sent me here. In the big ship.

Simmons: Grif?

Grif: Uhh, yeah, this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my Sister is colourblind.

Simmons: WHAT?!

Grif's Sister: (whispering to her brother) I don't get it, what's the grey guy and the black one are so upset about?

Simmons: But girls can't be colour blind!

Alex: Really Simmons.

Grif's Sister: Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either. But guess what!

Grif: Yeah! Wait what!?

Simmons: I can't believe it. With such a simple espionage plan the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick quick, get me a shovel! Uho, Sarge is gonna be pissed!

Grif: Hey, Simmons, if she's not here for Sarge, who the hell is she here to replace?

Cut to Donut in the underground

Donut: Ohh, ohh, uh- Uhhh, ohhh. Uhhhhh. What happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here a while. (random tune humming)