One and Only

Ch. 23 Aftermath

"Stop! Stop!" I wailed over and over, but the pleas fell on deaf ears. I watched as Satoru fell. Once, twice, thrice, so many times, landing in a puddle of blood. Sometimes, it didn't even play out how it actually happened. Stabbed in the heart, head lobbed off, beaten bloody. It didn't matter. Each time, the hurt accumulated more and more. This time, I had thrown myself over Satoru's lifeless body, but He didn't care. The image of Toji, with that disgusting grin, always came back. It's been 6 weeks since it all happened but the night terrors were relentless. Searing pain. Once. Twice. Thrice. So much. The slow, immense burning was now everywhere. My chest, my back, my legs, arms, stomach, head. Sword after sword driven into any and all parts of my body. Down, down. Through me, to Satoru. As if pinning us together. His lifeless eyes bore into mine as tears fell and littered his colorless face.
I shot awake. My breathing shallow and rapid. I brought a hand to my face, sticky with sweat. My clothes clung to me. I tried to look around the room, gain my bearings, but it was dark. I looked over at the red glow from the alarm clock. 3:06 am. I let out a low groan and dragged my hands down my face. This has happened every night, and it's really starting to wear me down. Some nights, if I'm lucky, I'll get around 5 hours of sleep. Other times? Much less. I reluctantly slipped out of bed and made my way out to the hall. I went towards the short rows of sinks and turned on the tap. I splashed my face with the cool water, not really caring if any fell on the ground. I let out a sigh, beads of water dripping down my face. I looked into the small mirror that hung above the sink. Dark circles under my eyes, my skin was paler than before, my cheekbones a bit more prominent, my hair was cut just below my shoulders now too from having fist full of hair ripped out. Trouble with sleep, trouble with appetite, trouble with focusing. I want to disappear. I wiped my face and decided to try to get more sleep, knowing that I would more than likely lay in my bed as the memories flooded back. As I reached the door of my room, my hand loosely grasped the doorknob. I didn't have it in me to turn it, so I just sank to the floor. I laid there and just stared at the white wall opposite of me. I've been on a few mission since then, not really remembering what happened. I wasn't here most of the time, my body was just on autopilot. When im alone all I feel are grief, fear, guilt, and shame. Tears fell, the stillness in the air broken by the sound of the droplets slow pattering onto the floor. I balled my hand into a fist and furiously wiped at my eyes. Death happens. It's a part of being a sorcerer. So, why is this hurting me so much? Why is this, out of all things, causing me so much anguish? I sat up and gave myself a harsh smack to both my cheeks.
"Get over it." I told myself. It became a nightly mantra. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Get over it. Why can't I get over it? Tears threatened to spill again. I blinked them back and sniffled. I picked myself off the floor and made my way down the hall. Light footfalls echoed through the dark, empty hallway but I've memorized the number of steps it took to reach my destination.
"...11, 12, 13." I stopped and turned to the door. I didn't bother with knocking. He started leaving the door unlocked for me, even if he wasn't here. Ever since that day with Toji, Satoru began going on more solo mission. They became more frequent, sometimes lasting days or weeks at a time. The loneliness became suffocating. I carefully opened the door, a low creak announced my entry. I heard blankets shuffle.
"Mai?" Came a groggy voice. I didn't respond. The door clicked close and I locked it, wanting to give myself a sense of privacy and security. I walked over to the bed and curled myself under its covers. I felt him shift, turning to his side and giving me more space to get onto the bed. He fixed the covers, popping my head out so that I could breathe. I felt his arm wrap around my body, pulling me closer to him. His warmth, his scent, his everything filled my senses. I let out a sigh and relaxed into his arms. "You okay?" Satoru whispered out.
"Mmm." I hummed.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I shook my head in response. Some nights it's easier to talk about, but not this time. I felt him press his lips to the top of my head. "It's okay. We're safe here."
My eyes hurt. From crying, from being tired, from constantly rubbing them. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep, but the fear of what I may dream about kept me awake. I felt Satoru rubbing circles on the small of my back. Guilt filled me as I pursed my lips and scrunched my brow.
"I'm sorry.." I breathed out.
"Why?" His voice hushed, but clear enough for only me to hear.
"I do this every night now.. I come crawling here.. and days where you are actually here, you dont even get much sleep.. I can go.." more tears. When will they stop? I began to pry myself from his arms but was stopped when he held me tighter.
"Don't. I want you to stay." He laid his head against mine. I could feel his breath fan across my face. "I don't want you to be alone. I don't want you to go. I've missed you." He confessed. "Please, stay." I snaked my arm around his back, clinging to the fabric of his shirt.
"Okay." Was all I could muster. I felt him move his arm to grab mine, bringing them into a comfortable position where we were able to hold hands. He brought our hands up to his face, leaving soft kiss on the back of mine.
"I love you." He moved our hands, this time planting a kiss to my forehead. "I love you." A kiss to my eye. "I love you." A kiss to my lips. "I love you." I let go of his hand and brought my own up to cradle his cheek. I kissed him on the lips.
"I love you." He held me, enveloped me with his massive frame. He tangled his leg into mine, and we lay there until we fell asleep.