As Cold As Ice

Edge

I stood on the edge of a bridge, staring at the ground which seemed so far down. I shut my eyes as I felt the wind pick up. I breathed in slowly, taking in the moment. I couldn't survive alone. This was my only option. I wanted revenge for Avery but I'd probably only be killed in process. Dying now however, allows me to be with Avery and possibly our mom if she's still alive.

If my mom's not dead then I wish her death. If she had died I'd of known I wasn't abandoned, I'd of known at least one person in this fucked up, crazy world loved me; someone besides Avery.

"Alex, get down" I heard someone say. I looked over to see Ace, walking towards me with a black suit on. I watched him as approached me, his expression, just as dull as always.
"You're really going to kill yourself before we get revenge for your brother?" He questioned, leaning against the wall of the bridge. I stood still, wondering if he knew; wondering how he knew.
"I found out from a friend. I heard a kid was murdered over a drug debt and I couldn't help but remember what you told me about your brother" He explained, standing with arms folded. He showed no sympathy, I could only see one thing he wanted; revenge.

I contemplated stepping off the edge but Ace's offer was incredibly tempted. I didn't have the heart to kill anyone, I didn't. Something turned off like a switch. I couldn't feel anything. I didn't feel sad about Avery's murder, or about being abandoned. I just let go. I stared at Ace and he saw right through me. He knew any sympathy I had for the world was gone. Once they took Avery, I was taken too.

"We'll not only kill Leo Accardi, but his entire gang of desperate, fucked up, bastards." Ace nodded, as I stepped down from the edge.

"I'm just warning you. You better have the stomach for this" He nodded, his facial expression still emotionless.

"You're willing to help me with this?" I asked confusedly, knowing that mafia bosses were mostly selfish. Although that was the stereotype that was carved into my brain from movies.
"Yeah, I help you and you work for me. Simple" He nodded, holding his hand out as if it was a deal we were making. I knew Ace's mafia sold drugs which was against my morals but I didn't care. All I wanted was revenge.

Revenge was all I'd think about.

*****

I stood alone at my little brothers funeral.

Dark clouds dimmed the sky as I watched the coffin slowly be lowered into the ground. I felt nothing as I glanced at the picture, sitting next to the priest who was reading a verse from the bible. I didn't believe in god, I never did. I'm not sure whether Avery did or not; there's so many things I never knew about him. There's so many things he didn't know about himself. He didn't get the chance to grow up, and know who he truly was.

I gazed blankly at his coffin, I wish I could feel something. However, I'd crumble under the depression. It was better this way. It's how I was able to do some of the stuff I've done within a matter of days.

All I have, is my shattered morals and a grave with my brother buried beneath it.

My attention turned to the snow, that fell gracefully from the sky. I stared up at the sky, my eyes beginning to well with tears. Avery loved the snow.

The priest finished and decided to leave me alone with the last couple of minutes I'd have with my brother. A tear rolled down my cold, red cheeks as I pulled a piece of paper from my pocket.

I wore a black coat, with black jeans, a scarf and shoes.

I unfolded the paper, carefully to not rip it. I took a breath, trying to calm the overwhelming sadness I could feel. My lip quivered as I read the first line.

"Avery. My little brother.
The reality that you're gone hasn't hit me yet; The reality that you're no longer by my side. I remember as kids, I felt more like your dad than your brother. You complained about it a lot. Not only did I lose my brother but I feel like in some ways I lost a son. My biggest regret is that you never knew how much I adored you. I'll miss your mischievous smile and your sharp tongue. I'll miss your laughter and the way you used to style your hair in the mornings and continuously ask me if it looks good. I'll miss your openness to new opportunities and I'll miss your stubbornness.

I don't believe in god, yet I can't help but hope that there's an afterlife, so that I can see you again.

I got to watch you grow up. I'm grateful for that. I'm also grateful that you never left me, the way mom or dad did.

As the years went by and I watched drugs change who you were, I loved that version of you aswell.

You were my family, my blood, the only person I could depend on. I'm sorry you didn't know that the months leading up to your death. My biggest regret is that I wasn't there when you needed me most. I suppose you were the better brother after all.

I love you Avery and I hope you rest in the peaceful times we had together, because that's where I'll find you.

Watch the world through my eyes until we meet again."

I had stopped crying while reading my speech. I had cried so much, now all that was left was anger. I was so fucking angry; Angry at the world; Angry at him; Angry at everything.

The person I blamed the most was myself though.

Once Avery was officially buried, I left. I couldn't stay, graveyard's creeped me out. I still hadn't processed his death. I felt like he was still at school, and I was just waiting for him to come home.

I sighed, opening the door of Liz's home, collecting the last of my things. She had kicked me out. She couldn't handle Avery's death. She blamed me and I did too. I was going to live with Ace in his mansion which would seem like an upgrade but my little brother had to die for this to happen so it's not really an upgrade.

I packed the last of my things as Liz stood by my door, with her head hung in shame.

"You know this your fault Alex. You let him go out" She snapped suddenly, her eyes seeming to darken as she spoke. Her vicious tone was like a knife to my heart.
"I've already been through so fucking much without you pinning the fucking blame on me" My tone growing angrier with each word that left my mouth.
"He wasn't your son but he was my brother!. He was nothing to you!" I yelled at her, as she placed one of her old frail hands on her chest.
"He was the only family I had. Don't you fucking tell me this is my fault. He didn't take drugs because of me" I shouted angrily, suddenly remembering she didn't know that Avery used drugs before he left.

"He- he?" She uttered, shocked from what I had just said. The only thing I could feel was rage. I had no sympathy for her.

"You're a fucking bitch and I hope I never see you again" I stated calmly so that she knew I meant it. I carried my box out of her house as she cried while I left. I hated her. I hated her.

To be brutally honest, people saw my brother as a less of a human for using drugs. You can't blame them but I also never treated Avery as if he was anything less than human just because he was an addict. For quite a while, I forgot he was even using drugs. That's probably when he needed my help the most. When he was using everyday and needed them to function.

I needed to stop thinking about him. It was destroying me.