So many colours in my life

4. Deep-see blue of realization

Wei Wuxian was looking down at a terrified mother and her crying daughter. They behaved as if he had not just killed their captors and freed them. However, even this possibility somehow did not click well with him.

If this was the case, they should have been looking with terrified eyes at the Wen sect soldiers. Not at him.

And then, after the mother tried to crawl away from him, it finally made sense. It took him so long to actually realize that it was him who was making them terrified to this extend.

It must have been because of his previous anger and the overflowing resentful energy. He realized that for a normal human, perhaps even for a cultivator, such a display must not have felt pleasant. And to see someone killed in front of their eyes, well, it would make anyone fear the aggressor, he supposed.

Wei Wuxian mind was blank. Rationally, he knew he should be embarrassed due to his own density or sorry for those poor people. He should apologize to them and make sure they were alright now. But his heart remained unmoved. After his anger had dissipated, he did not feel anything anymore. Just like before getting out of the Burial Mounds.

He had been keeping his guard up so tenaciously he could not let go even now. He did not want to either. Somehow, he was sure that if he was to invite his feelings back, it would completely overwhelm him. And potentially break him.

What good would he be to anyone if he would become just a broken husk of a human? He did not want to repeat his first days in the Burial Mounds.

However, the reality stayed. He refused to feel anything and be sorry for the villagers and they were only all that more terrified of him. This would not do. What if it was Jiang Yanli who saw him like this?

Wei Wuxian took a deep breath, then one more. He was willing the resentful energy swirling around him to calm down. He wanted it to go away so no one would see it. He was sure it would not let him go that easily, it would not leave him. But it did not have to scare everyone around him.

He had to actually deploy a lot more effort than he would have imagined. Calling upon the resentment and letting it running amok was easy. Even too much so. It did not require much energy from him. And neither much will. But to keep it back was a different story.

Now that he was thinking about it, he had not been the one controlling the resentment. It had been instead controlling him. It had made him way angrier than he remembered ever being. It was only now that he was seeing the truth. That was not his own rage, at least not entirely. He had let himself be taken over.

That was something he had promised himself he would never do. He had steeled himself to always be the one in control ever since the first time he had even thought about demonic cultivation.

So, what was he doing now? Why was he letting himself be controlled by the resentful energy's own will? The Burial Mounds must have influenced him more than he knew.

Wei Wuxian refused to think about his time in that hellish place anymore. He gritted his teeth tighter, to the point where they could even crack, and he willed the resentment to clear the field. Even having the voices as companions for the journey now finally seemed like a really bad idea. He did not even know how he could have thought something like that.

It was really dangerous. He could only thank the mother and the child in front of him. It had been them who had snapped him out of his blind state. Even if he had decided to keep his feelings under lock and key, he should still not forget to be careful. It was his mistake really.

And now look at what he had done. He had scared innocent villagers and a child even more than the Wen sect soldiers. How reckless of him. How despicable.

If he had made even one more step in that direction, he would have become another Wen Ruohan. A person controlled by power and resentful energy. He would have lost his own free will. And who knew, perhaps he would have even been able to hurt his siblings when he met them. Then, he would have been lonely again because they would leave him.

Wei Wuxian finally managed to take control. He willed the resentful energy to stop swirling around his body and dissipate. Unfortunately, it did not do anything in the matter of calming down the villagers. They remained terrified and tried to get as far from him as possible. Which was not far at all as their feet refused to carry them and they could only scramble away.

Wei Wuxian looked at them and he felt lonely again. All his anger was just a distant memory. He refused to feel anything else, it would hurt too much and would make his heart vulnerable to the resentment. Better continue what he had been doing until now.

He bowed down, very slowly, and put the doll on the road. He did not think it would be a good idea to approach any of those people right now. This was the only way for him to give the toy back to the small girl. Hopefully, she would not reject it because he had touched it.

Not that it was of any consequence to him. Not at this time, he had another goal in mind. These villagers feared him and tried to run away from him in terror. They were not the company he was seeking.

He had to continue his search for his siblings. He had to go to the Lotus Pier.

He turned his back to the remaining people without as much as saying goodbye. There was nothing he wanted to tell them; and they were too scared to utter even a single word. Their ways had to separate, there was no other option for peaceful coexistence.

Wei Wuxian walked away. The loneliness he had managed to forget for that short moment due to his anger was back again. However, it was still a more welcomed companion than his loss of control. He refused to bend down to the resentful energy's calling.

Before he even realized it, he fell down to his knees. He just barely managed to catch himself with his hands before falling face first onto the ground. There was no one around and he was strangely glad for it. All his energy was suddenly drained out of him. He could not feel even a speck of his previous power. It seemed like controlling the resentment was truly not an easy task.

Wei Wuxian gave out an unamused huff. Lan Qiren had been right after all. Playing with resentful energy was dangerous. Not only could it take control of him at any time, it also required a lot of energy to maintain his reign over it. He had even sacrificed his own feelings to come out victorious from this fight! What else would he still have to give up in the future?

He also needed a lot of will-power if he did not want to hurt any innocent people. He was not sure he had any though. His eyes closed on him and he finally fell down completely.

This was a thought for another time. He was too exhausted to care now. For once, sleep came to him easily.