So many colours in my life

21. Silvery grey of tiredness

Wei Wuxian sat down on a railing. He was completely exhausted. Not the kind of exhaustion which would make him unable to move physically, he had felt like that countless times in the Burial Mounds. He knew how that was happening, this was not it. No, this was more of a mental exhaustion. One that was incredibly harder to deal with.

Just as Nie Huisang had promised when Jiang Cheng had been dragging him out of the room, he had thrown a great banquet today. Not that Wei Wuxian had not been feeling tired even before it; but now he was completely exhausted. So much so in fact that he had had to sneak away in the middle of it.

Interacting with people had never felt this tiring to him. However, as soon as the first toast was over, everyone started questioning him. About why he was not carrying his swords anymore, about what he had been doing for the last three months and where he had been, how he had killed Wen Chao. Rumours about his use of demonic cultivation were apparently already wildly flying around.

And Wei Wuxian did not have any energy to deal with them right now. So he just run away like a coward. This would surely only serve to steel their suspicions, but it could not have been helped.

Not like he cared, not really. He was just tired and wanted to rest. For the first time after leaving the Burial Mounds, he was not wishing for human company. He would much rather be alone at a time like this. He truly did not want to deal with the cultivation world's questions.

Or their unreasonable demands. Why had that annoying cousin of Jin Zixuan had to challenge him during that banquet of all times? He had not had any room to not accept. Although the fight ended quickly, it had only earned him more animosity from everyone.

And everything because he had not been carrying around his sword. Perhaps he should reconsider and put it behind his belt once more? It was true that he could no longer use it and just looking at it reminded him of happier times which he would never get back. However, perhaps it would save the Yunmeng Jiang sect some face.

He did not care if someone criticised him. That was nothing new. He had gotten used to harsh words and criticism very early in his life. Madame Yu was after all a remarkably exigent woman.

Nevertheless, he understood now that the rumours would not reflect negatively only on him. They would fall upon Jiang Cheng and the whole Yunmeng Jiang sect. That was the hard part of being a brother of the current sect leader.

Wei Wuxian sighed even more deeply. He did not want to deal with any of this. Why could the cultivation world not leave him alone? Why was it so important for them that he carried a useless sword around at all times?

It would be even more suspicious if he had Suibian behind his belt and never used it. There was no way he was fighting with it in his hand on a battlefield. This door had closed in front of him when he had made the decision to save Jiang Cheng. He only had his flute now. He had no choice in this. It was just that the others would never understand.

Wei Wuxian closed his eyes and took another sip of wine from the jar he had snuggled away from the banquet. He had forgotten how it could burn his throat. And how it could muddle his mind and make him forget.

Moreover, without his golden core, he could get drunk a lot faster. It seemed like his current condition had at least one advantage. He should get some more wine.

He only realized that he had stopped in front of Lan Zhan's room after he had heard a sound of guqin. Expert fingers were playing with the strings. He would recognize it anywhere.

Wei Wuxian had mixed feelings about this. For some unknown reason, he had been perturbed when he had not seen Lan Zhan at the banquet. Although it had been him who had driven the other away, he still longed to at least see him.

Their friendship could not be saved anymore, not after he had been so cold to the Second Jade. But still, it did not mean that Lan Zhan should start avoiding him this completely, should it?

He was a little angry and guilty at the same time. He was aware that Lan Zhan had not deserved such harsh treatment from his side. He should probably apologize. But would the esteemed and righteous Second Jade of the Gusu Lan sect even want to hear an apology from him? He was what the other hated most right now. He was a demonic cultivator.

It would not matter in his eyes that Wei Wuxian had had to pick up demonic cultivation to survive. Nor that his version of it was actually very different from your usual evil demonic cultivation. The fact stayed still the same: Wei Wuxian was mingling and playing with resentful energy. That was something forbidden in the cultivation world.

He expected that after the rumours would spread a little more, there would be many other people who would hate him or fear him. Lan Zhan was just the first out of many. So why when it came to him, Wei Wuxian could not stand it?

He kept his eyes closed. The music was nice, slow and calming. It was making his exhausted mind relax and be at ease. He raised the jar of wine and took another long sip.

With his mind exhausted and his body already drunk, Wei Wuxian felt even more tired. Now it was both mental and physical exhaustion which attacked him full force. It seemed like as soon as he stopped moving and thinking too hard, it came back to finally sneak up on him from behind.

He wanted to go to sleep. A long night without any night terrors, how nice would that sound. But he already suspected he would not be so lucky.

***

After being thoroughly scolded by his brother, Wei Wuxian finally made it back to his room. His previous exhaustion had only deepened. He did not want anything else but to fall asleep still on his feet and not wake up for several days.

Unfortunately, after leaving Jiang Cheng standing in the middle of the Unclean Realm, he had discovered that alcohol was perhaps not the best companion for him right now. He had feared it would happen, but he had not expected it to be this soon.

He was still unhappy his brother just a little bit. Jiang Cheng had driven him away from the spot where he could listen to Lan Zhan playing. Back there, the resentful energy had been calm, as if asleep due to the amount of wine he had drank and the beautiful calming music. However, as soon as he fell into his bed, without even properly taking off his clothes and boots, it started immediately acting up.

Despite his still growing exhaustion, he could not fall asleep. The whispers of the resentful energy were making him remember the lonely and dangerous nights in the Burial Mounds. As he thought, he would not be so lucky to get a nice night-long sleep.

He kept tossing and turning in his bed. Until he had had enough and he could not stand all the noise inside his head anymore. He could not tell if the resentful energy started acting up because of his drunken state, the strain he had gone through during the banquet or his general exhaustion. Or could it be that the words of the cultivators during the banquet got to him more than he was ready to admit?

But did it even matter? Perhaps it was the combination of all those factors. Or something else entirely.

Since his heart was not sealed off completely anymore, hearing the tempting whispers was a pretty new experience. Before, he had managed to not react to them. Which was now impossible. He was still guarded and did not let himself be swayed by temptations. However, it was making him even more exhausted and his mind would not be able to rest when he had to stay vigilant and guarded at all times.

In the end, Wei Wuxian gave up on sleeping altogether. He had not managed to get even a few minutes due to the insistent and loud voices inside of his head. He decided that it was perhaps better for him to concentrate on calming them down than on ignoring them.

He sat up, swaying a little in place as his body was refusing to listen to him properly. He assumed a meditation pose. He had to somehow manage, otherwise, he would go crazy in no time at all. He would not be able to bear this for much longer. He had to find a way not to be affected by the resentful energy so much no matter what.