So many colours in my life

8. Lemon yellow of fear

Wei Wuxian caught Suibian mid-flight and froze, his eyes glued to it. He was surprised to see it again. But this time, it was not a good and happy kind of surprise. No, this one was a more fearful one. He was not sure how he should react.

He had, so long ago that it felt like years, begged Wen Qing and Wen Ning to not reveal to Jiang Cheng from where his new golden core came. He had wanted to hide the truth from his brother at all costs. Until now, he had all but forgotten about this.

Right at that moment though, he finally remembered. And he also recalled the reason for such a demand. He had not wanted Jiang Cheng to feel bad about the new golden core. He had been afraid that his brother would reject it and hate Wei Wuxian for unilaterally taking the decision for the golden core transfer. How else would he be able to become the next leader of the Yunmeng Jiang sect?

He knew Jiang Cheng only too well. If he had any idea about this, he would have felt inferior to him again. He would have resented him for being supposedly better and more noble than him. It would have been as if he had slapped him openly in his face. No matter what the actual truth was.

And Wei Wuxian had not wanted to see that happen. He had feared that he and his brother would break their ties on the spot if the truth would ever come to light. He was scared of being thrown away and not having a family of his own anymore. After all, Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli were the only ones he had left, he could not lose them.

The fear he had once felt was back. He could definitely not let Jiang Cheng discover that he no longer had a golden core. His brother was no fool, at least not when it counted. He would be able to put two and two together. He would discover where Wei Wuxian's golden core had disappeared to. And he would be hurt and hate him.

The hand holding Suibian started trembling slightly. Bile rose up Wei Wuxian's throat. He was afraid. No, more like terrified really. He had to hide the truth at all costs. Not only from Jiang Cheng himself but from everyone, from the whole cultivation world.

Even in the beginning, he had known it would be hard. As he had begged Wen Qing to transfer his golden core, he however did not think about the consequences too much. Truthfully, all that had been on his mind was to save his brother. He had decided to think about what he would do only afterwards.

Sure, Wen Qing had tried to warn him. But had he listened to her? Of course not. He had thought he would be able to manage one way or another. And perhaps he had even been thinking, deep down and only half acknowledging it, that without a golden core, he would not live long enough for Jiang Cheng to notice anything.

With the war starting, it was actually a miracle that a normal person like him was now up and running. In this aspect, Wen Chao had actually done him a favour. Had he not been thrown into the Burial Mounds and forced to invent his path of demonic cultivation, he may have already been killed in one battle or another.

So, here they were. Jiang Cheng standing in front of him and looking at him with expectation, and Wei Wuxian with a sword in his hand. A sword that he could not use anymore but still would have to carry around as pretence.

It was now that his refusal to face the truth before came to bite him from behind.

It had only been a minute since they were reunited, and he was already having a hard time. How was he even going to keep this up?

He could barely remember how he had pretended that things were alright in the past. How had he been able to always fool everyone around him even if he had been in the deepest slumps or despair? He did not know anymore. He did no longer feel those emotions, all that was left was an all-consuming fear of his secret being found out.

He felt Jiang Cheng's eyes on him. Never before had he been so fearful of looking at his own younger brother. He was not sure if he was doing a good job of appearing the same as before. He did not feel the same. He was not the same person who had been thrown to the Burial Mounds anymore. Would his brother notice?

He could not keep looking at him so he tried to avert his eyes. In doing so however, they landed on Lan Zhan.

The Second Jade was burning holes into him, not even blinking. Wei Wuxian's fear only escalated. Even if he somehow managed to fool Jiang Cheng, how would he be able to persuade Lan Zhan? He was from the Gusu Lan sect, of course he would notice the changes in his cultivation.

Suddenly, Wei Wuxian was asking himself how long had the two of them been watching before intervening. Had they seen everything? Had they witness him using resentful energy, calling forth ghosts and controlling them? Were they already aware that he no longer had a golden core?

Lan Zhan's expressionless face had never frightened him to this degree. In the past, Wei Wuxian could have guessed what the other was thinking quite easily. After all, more often than not, his only emotions were those of being annoyed with Wei Wuxian's presence and tired of being followed around.

But what was he thinking now?

Would he try to talk him out of using resentment? Certainly. The Gusu Lan sect after all could not stand demonic cultivators. Even if they had started using resentful energy because of dear need. Even if they had no choice of ever going back to the broad and bright path of cultivation of spiritual energy.

Then again, perhaps this was a good thing. He was sure that only a single push would lead Lan Zhan in a direction away from the main problem. The Second Jade would be more interested, if one could call it like that, in his crooked path of cultivation. He would not be sniffing around his lost golden core.

That only left the main problem to deal with: Jiang Cheng.

His brother would surely be the harder one to mislead in this case. They have grown up together, of course Jiang Cheng had already seen that something was the matter with him. And the dense and straightforward fool he was, he would surely ask for an explanation. What should Wei Wuxian tell him then?