Trepidation | Trepidation Trilogy | The Empty World Sequence

Three

Danjel loved this church, the newer structure dedicated to Saint Mother Teresa when his mother was young, and the old ruins he had played in with Kit as a child. Both buildings were holy to him, not only in the way that all churches must be, but because he felt the presence of something greater in these places. Even the cathedral, which had since his childhood remained closed after renovations had begun and stopped without completion, had not in its aging glory been as sacred to him. Now, he touched the marble face of a discarded statue of St. Casimir, figure of a man hardly old as he was, crowned, and regal, and holding a lily.

Danjel smiled as he felt a presence apart from the ambient holiness, and pressed a kiss to the face of Casimir as the voice reached him, "And I thought it would always be Madonnas with you, My Son."

Danjel touched a finger to the stone lily before he turned. "So did I, Father." He said, and grinned at the sight of Kit in his roman-collared shirt and black skirt. His light brown hair was longer now and tied back in a modest bit of ribbon and he smiled.

"Your mother said you were about; I thought it would be here."

"You look good, Kit," Danjel said, "It's good you reached this goal...I mean I have not seen you since you went away to seminary."

Kit nodded, graceful bow of his head. "If you are troubled...or is it only your mother you trouble, Dany?"

There was awkwardness interrupting the holiness of the place. Danjel owed Kit forgiveness for a sin he had never committed. "We can't begin like this can we?" Danjel asked. He strode the small distance between them and embraced his old friend. Chastely he kissed his face before removing himself. "I am heartly sorry for ever fearing you or doubting you."

"Oh, Dany, I've forgotten that long ago. I should not have felt hurt. It was awkward is all. Apologies are not needed, but I accept, if you need to give."

"This is why I really do love you, Kit," Danjel said, "eh?" he prodded and lifted Kit's chin with a finger. "You're the best friend and now I can have you as my priest."

"If you like," Kit said, but he was smiling again. That was good.

Danjel walked quickly over the long grass to the outer wall of stone. He lifted himself up into the space where stained glass windows had once been set into the stone. He called back in invitation. The inside of Casimir's old church was like all the grounds still holy, just unused in any official respect, but it might be more God's house for the fact that it was completely open to the sky above. Little remained but stone walls and foundation. Vegetation had crept in, here and there, and various laymen had moved unused statuary and large metal storage containers here.

Danjel hopped down to the floor and waited. In a minute Kit was beside him, smoothing his clothes. "Confess me?" Danjel asked.

"If you wish, though usually we use the confessional rooms within the church."

Danjel smiled. He hung his arm about the shoulders of a familiar Madonna and bowed his head as if to imply humility. Maybe the other two local priests would raise an eyebrow, but Kit understood, and when one thought about it, the basics of the sacrament were all present.

"I need to confess sins I have committed, I need to know that God can forgive me, regardless of whether I have been forgiven by myself or others involved."

"Tell me," Kit said, "I will ask God to absolve you."

Did he look thoughtful, clinging to the saintly figure carved of stone? She was comforting in any case. Danjel told Kit slowly of how he had come to know the two Vampyres a year ago or so. He made a point of indicating which acts he was particularly regretful about and sought forgiveness for. Mostly, he needed to hear that God could forgive what had been done to Claudia, by her jailers in Zakopane. And, he truly wished to be forgiven for the thoughts and deeds he had allowed himself with Joy. That had not been love; he believed that now. Whether it had been sexual union or exchange of blood, he was just as sorry he had done it. There were particular moments of anger he was regrettable about.

Danjel told Kit, his friend and priest, how he had been weakened by drunkenness, which was itself regrettable, when in some half-remembered Japanese city, Joy had encouraged a certain boy to have sex with Danjel. It had not been anything Danjel wanted with that boy or any boy. Admittedly, Danjel had found certain homosexual tendencies within himself, not particularly dominant, but even so, Joy and this boy had no right to what they took from him. He needed to tell the story, but what he wanted to confess was that he had been so unforgiving himself with Joy.

Danjel believed he had covered all the long list of big and little sins he was repentant for, plus given other situations over which he just felt confused and in need of guidance. "There is something I left out. I broke into a church. I ask forgiveness, but God knows I only did it because there was no one to open the door, and Claudia and I were being chased. The thing I really need to confess is that Claudia and I made love, I mean in the church."

"Really?" Kit asked, it had been the first thing he had spoken all during Danjel's confession.

"Right behind the alter. I feel bad about that. It was disrespectful to God. But, I don't think you should even ask him to absolve me of the times I made love to her. Ask him to forgive me for wanting her, while knowing she has a bond with David, but don't ask me to be sorry, or for God to forgive me for the actual being with her. It wouldn't be right, I think I might even do it again. And I'm not sorry about that part."

Kit nodded. "I'm not really supposed to encourage sexual activity outside of marriage."

Danjel sighed. "Just as long as god understands. I really do repent the rest, but I accept whatever punishment comes from being with Claudia. You understand? I'd have to confess to lying to a priest, if I said I honestly regretted that and meant to never do it again."

Kit nodded. "God has granted you absolution for all you have asked, though you will have to do a penance to demonstrate you truly have repented," Kit said impatiently waved his hand in front of Danjel in lazy Sign of the Cross. "But, tell me, as your friend, why you say this about Claudia."

Danjel sighed. He kissed the Madonna beside him then danced away from her. "I did tell you." He stood and crossed his arms as he looked at Kit. "It's entirely regrettable that she has this bond with another man that, in his religion, is a legitimate and important sort of bond, but she has been with me willingly, and I with her, and I just can't make myself sorry about that part, however I try."

"You love her?"

"I think so. You understand she does not have the very same feelings toward me, not that I know of. But, I just adore Claudia, really I do. We're really good friends. It's hard to explain. Before I came here, I thought I knew how I would say it, but it's left me. She's beautiful to look at but she's a special person, apart from what she looks like."

"You love her," Kit said. "It's very much how I speak of you."

Danjel made a weak half smile. He wasn't upset, but he couldn't feel genuine happiness for Kit at the moment, and had to show his support with false happiness. "We figured that out long ago," Danjel said and then a genuine laugh came from him. "Only I wasn't quite feeling the same desires as you then."

Kit shrugged. "Was always the madonnas for you," he said, "some desires are not seen as worthy of carrying into action by the church, and I took my vows with sincerity, of course, not by default. I don't say it this way to the other priests, but to myself I say that Jesus is my only boyfriend now."

Danjel grinned, "A good man to have at your back, I say."

Kit laughed. It was good to see him laugh like that. "The best man."

"And, as I dare not covet what is his, I will settle for whatever I may have with Claudia, I do love her, God help me."

"He does, Dany," Kit said. "Now, let us go tell your mother you are well and see about your penance."

Danjel's eye grew wide in disbelief. "What must I do?"

"There is a family that needs special help. You will take charitable items to them and see that they are well. Afterward, I will ask God if he requires more."