selcouth-randomness book

-Vent/Rant But Very Important-

I fucking hate this feeling.

G and I hung out just now, and I'm finally home. In the beginning, I thought it was going great—he was barely making any dirty jokes, and I was already in a good mood since I had been excited to see him. But then, he turned the tables on me.

Lately, he's basically been asking me, as what I took as a joke, "Could we have oral sex?"
Tho, apparently, he wasn't joking the whole time. He was serious. His exact words, however, are more like, "Can I suck you?" or "Can I lick you?" I always say no, bc I don't WANT sex, even tho he says it normal for eighth-graders???? He's not a liar, but I can't be too sure if this is true... but whenever he asks this, I always say no, bc why would I say yes?!??!

But he asked me this 5. TIMES. TODAY. Ofc I still said no, each time he asked with a more serious tone.

I've addressed the fact that talking about it makes me uncomfortable, but he continues to talk about it and ask it. But as far as I'm concerned, I've got two options:

1) Dump him
2) Ask for help

With one, it comes with its pros and cons — I'd miss his kindness, and I'd be single, which I fucking HATE— and if I DID dump him, I'd probably be better off not staying friends. I don't want him to think he still has control over and access to me in any way. Also, I'd be proving those who thought we wouldn't last, right. But on the bright side, I'd be happy and free and wouldn't have to even think about this stuff again. It would all be worth it... wouldn't it?

With two, I only have TWO people I could really talk to about ANYTHING. No, it's not my therapist. I don't know her well enough to tell her this stuff. It would be my mom and my best best best friend. But with this plan, I'm not sure how they'd react. I shouldn't even be talking about this sort of thing in this way with... really, anyone! And yet, here we are, despite my wishes -_-
Also, I wouldn't want them to view me differently of what I know. Not to mention, I don't know how to tell anyone irl and make them understand my position and the fact that I don't want this. It's not that I don't WANT to, it's that I don't know HOW. (I am familiar with the concept of "telling a trusted adult" but sometimes it's not that easy)

I want to leave this relationship, but I'm afraid of how he'd react, and what I'd have to tell people if and when they found out and asked why we broke up. I just don't know what to do anymore 😔😭